Jealousy

According to Wikipedia, Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. According to the same source jealousy should not be confused with envy which is (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."[1]
Envy can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.[2

Both feelings are extremely destructive and have plagued mankind since Cain and Abel's tumultuous relationship in the begining of time. I have been thinking a lot about these issues during my current difficulties. I have always priding myself on bein a confident person who genuinely enjoys the successes of others and wishes them only the best. However, I must admit that I have had to put forth extra effort to avoid these feelings taking root in my psyche over the past several months. This has been very stressful because I genuinely believe that my life is guided and directed by God and that He will provide for me everything I am intended to have. So I don't need to worry about what others have and what others have accomplished because it does not affect me. But, I can feel the little green-eyed monster creeping up from time -to-time and I have to consciously talk myself out of these feelings. These feelings remind me of the fact that even though someone might be a Christian, we deal with a daily battle of not allowing ourself to fall into a pattern of sin. We are very susceptible to harboring sinful feelings like envy and jealousy and we can't always automatically not be tempted by these issues. So what do you do when you feel disturbing thoughts and feelings creeping into your mind.
1) The first step is to recognize that you are actually experiencing jealousy and envy. This seems simple but it actually might require a little insight into your own psyche. The jealousy and envy may mask themselves as irritation or undue criticism of the other person. You may also find yourself searching for some quality within the other person that you can feel a sense of superiority regarding. For example, you may repsond to news of another person's career sucess by focussing on their lack of a spous or children. It is crucial to be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge that their sucess makes your current lack of sucess fell magnified and that you feel negative emotions toward the other person as a result.
2) Don't act on these feelings. You will need to give yourself some time to work through these feelings so it is important that you don't engage in any negative behavior that may be based on these feelings. You should not respond negatively to the person. You should not communicate your negative feelings to another third party. You should not take any actions to bring the other individual down a notch. It is normal to feel tempted but it is not okay to act out your temptation. Besides, you want to get a handle on these feelings before they begin to impact your behavior.
3) Ask yourself the ultimate question, ' How does this make me feel about myself?' This is a huge questions and it may cause you some distress. If you have difficulty doing this on your own, you may want to consult a trusted confidant and/or a counselor. I would spend conSIderable time sitting with this issue. Personally, I would spend significant time in prayer and reading my Bible. As a Christian, it is at this point that I would repent of these feelings. Repent means to acknowledge your sin, ask God to forgive you, ask for help to change your feelings, and to go on with the intention to not repeat the sin.
4) Take whatever steps necessary to improve your own situation so you will have less impetus to feel jealous and envious of others. Focussing on your own self-improvement also focusses your mind on more positive emotions and enables you to spend less time and enerygy worrying about others.
5) You can reapply these steps repetitively until they become routine.

Budgeting Woes!!!

Decided to start off my Saturday with an exhilarating activity...Not. I wanted to get a better handle on where all of our money is going. According to the nutrition services department of my children's school we make to much money to qualify for free or reduced lunches. As a result my children also cannot take advantage of the free tutoring services offered through the school district. Wow, it must be great being so well off. Hmmmm!, I wonder why I don't feel so rich. Our financial picture probably looks like a lot of folks. You make financial obligations when you are making much more money and have to continue to carry these obligations when your income decreases. I am re-realizing an important financial lesson. Only do what you can pay for and do not get into debt. Now if only my today voice could go back and scream at my yesterday reality. No such luck. I am trying to figure out how and where we can cut back. My daughter is able to take advantage of a free after school program and I don't want to give this up b/c when I return to work this will be a huge financial plus. In the meantime, however, I think it's costing us too much in gas b/c she is obligated to stay there 9 hrs a week so this means I bring the 'babies' home after school and my husband goes back to pick her up. Their school district is a 20 minute drive on the freeway.

After trying to categorize things I had to use a miscellaneous category. This made sense until the numbers started to add up significantly. I'm not sure how else you would categorize expenses that are not routine but nevertheless come up. Things like school pictures, paying the handyman to fix the toilet and the dryer, those pesky co-pays, and prescription refills. I guess I should come up with home maintenance categories and medical expenses categories. Some months however, I don't need to spend any extra money in these areas. As I am typing this I realize, I should probably set aside money every month so I am not hit with a huge expense at one time. Wow, writing this out is actually helping to clarify this budgeting process. At any rate, I am at the end and the numbers are not adding up. I think an online program like quicken would be beneficial. We were using a free one online but I think it ended when it became clear that we were not going to pay for any actual software.

GRRRRRRR!!!......, where is a free accountant when you need one.

Status Update

I have to officially declare that Panic isstarting to set in with me. I have not made adequate progress on my dissertation and I am now at the point where I no longer want to mention it or discuss it with family/friends. I am sending out a steady stream of resumes but not getting any hits. In short, I feel stuck and unable to move forward. I hate this feeling because I don't feel like I have any control over my future but rather my life's goals are being thwarted by others or by forces beyond my control. Now, the strong assetive part of me knows that his is crap but I am having trouble digging put from this heavy load of uncertainty and insecurity.

This really makes me wonder, how does one start again or kick start your life when you feel immobilized. I am trying to establish clear goals and to work consistently toward these goals but If I am honest I often end up on facebook or reading another psychological thriller instead of pushing through with working on my stuff. I do pray and read the WORD of GOD but it's becoming more and more difficult to maintains the inspiration and energy I receive from these vital life sources. I am starting to wonder if I will succeed of if I am on the brink of a huge, scary, inescapable failure. It may be time to reevaluate my life and exactly what I want out of it.

Encouragement

I have officially been unemployed for 5 months. I have only had a few credible job leads and so far none of these have panned out. I have continued to procrastinate with my dissertation vacillating between whether I really want to pursue this goal or to Church this vision in lieu of something else. I am happy that I have an opportunity to be licensed as a master's level clinician in 2011 but this is a long term process and may not net me a job before the middle of next year. My family is doing well. everyone is healthy, well-fed, properly clothed. My bills are paid. I certainly wish some of my credit cards were paid off but so far I am able to pay more than the minimum. I will be able to give my kids some of the things on their list. As evidenced by my last post, hubby and I are doing okay. So in short I have a lot to be thankful for.

I do, however, continue to have mini anxiety attacks, insomnia, and to sometimes experience paralyzing despair when I look at my professional life. Things were supposed to be so much better. Most of my friends are doing very well and enjoying the success I feel like I should be experiencing. I do not begrudge them anything and I am genuinely happy for their accomplishments. I just wonder wth is wrong with me.

Today, while dropping the kids off and heading to the gym I heard two messages that really encouraged me. One message by Alex Trubec reflected on the difficulty that the great patriarchs of the bible experienced usually right after a great triumph. Elijah fled from Jezebel and had a huge pity party right after he had successfully demonstrated the power of God over and above the prophets of Baal (1Kings 18:39). David became embroiled in a huge scandal involving adultery and murder after he had been successful in the past at killing Goliath and other miracles. Basically, we will go through difficulty even if we are being used by God. God will be there to restore us and to encourage us in the midst of these storms. We just have to keep pushing forward and trusting him. Failure does not mean God has forgotten you. He is there in the midst of your failure. The other message addressed the need to delight yourself in the Lord as he gives you the desires of your heart. Delight means fully immersing yourself in the knowledge of God and walking in communion with him. Both these were very encouraging to me. I don't really know how things are going to work out for me but I have to reflect on how God is presently working on my behave and have confidence that He will never leave me nor forsake me. It doesn't matter if my present situation is due to some fault in me. I have to trust him to grow me and to fulfill his purpose in my life.


Be Encouraged.

EWWWWWW!!!!!

So, it's Sunday afternoon and after a stressful week filled with nonstop responsibilities, appointments, work, housework, bills, etc. the hubby and I were finally finding a little time to 'fellowship'. Things were progressing quite nicely and escalating to a significant point when all of a sudden we hear a loud proclamation of , "EWWWWWWWW!!!!". We disentangle, and to our horror our youngest son is standing at the foot of our bed looking horrified and holding the telephone in his hand. We all enter a moment of suspended animation that felt like years although I'm sure it was a few seconds. My son quickly drops the phone and proceeds to run out of the room. My husband encourages his flight by forgetting every parenting class, seminar, or speech he has ever heard and yelling, "GET OUT". We are stunned into awful silence as we recognize that there was indeed someone on the telephone. My husband grabs the phone and silently indicates that my mother is on the phone. OMG!!!!, Can this get any worse? So we do what any mature people who have been sometimes trusted to dispense wise advice to others would do...he hangs up the phone. I quickly bury my head in the pillow and ask, "Didn't you lock the doors (we have two doors that lead into our bedroom)?" He claims that he did. Horror turns to embarrassment which quickly turns into hysterical laughter, and then the cycle keeps repeating itself in this excruciating loop. To put the icing on this unbelievable cake, my husband looks at me and says, "Well, we might as well finish." This is definitely not the time to revisit the Men are From Mars/Women are from Venus saga but you clearly get the point.

After tying up the loose ends (smh) my husband and I debate whether my mother will know what was going on. You have to realize that my mother has been described as an ostrich who frequently sticks her head in the sand to avoid discussing anything that is uncomfortable. We agree that she probably knows what we were doing but that she will gladly be complicit with us in coming up with any other way of explaining this incident other than the real deal. Of course this is assuming that I ever decide to talk to my mother again.

My husband goes downstairs and continuing his episode of poor parenting reams my son for rushing into our room into a closed door rather than knocking. I call him on his cell in the midst of this tirade and encourage him to not further traumatize the child. I then decide that even though I am a very open parent and accurately, and freely address any questions my kids pose to me regarding sexual issues I will never speak of this again. I am going to follow in the tradition of my mother. So, I finally get the courage to come downstairs to face my family and despite a few weird looks from my daughters we all proceed as if it never happened. My husband did have the good parenting talk with my son explaining that mommy and daddy are in a healthy, committed relationship, and that what he saw was our special way of sharing that love with each other. Of course we heavily emphasize that we are married and that a healthy sexual relationship is part of the benefits of being married.

I finally talked to my mom a day later and sure enough we came up with a safe way to talk about the incident. The take away message is make sure your doors are locked when you want to fellowship.

The Mommy Book

So this morning was one of those moments when you remember that it is always important to not get so caught up in the craziness that is your life that you forget to focus on the important things. My son has been having a number of behavioral/emotional issues that have kept my husband and myself on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Parenting of this little guy definitely taps all of our resources and cause us to have to be on our 'P's and Q's' constantly. He is consistently inconsistent so just when you decide upon a specific intervention he changes the table on you and stops exhibiting the problematic behavior lulling you back into a sense of normalcy before he acts out again. So anyway, in between the homework battles, sibling rivalry battles, the carpooling, monitoring of chores, cooking dinner, cleaning house chaos that characterizes our live, my son has asked me several times if he could read this Mommy Book to me. The book looked like a collection of inspirational sayings with pictures. Since the book did not look like the chapter books he has has been attempting to evade even though he is supposed to read for at least 15 minutes/day so I don't totally blow it as a Christian parent when I feel out his monthly reading log claiming that he has indeed actually read all the listed books for the requisite 15 minutes, I have been refusing and instead insisting that he do whatever it is he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Well, today was a rare pajama day Saturday where we were all lounging around casually doing chores with no scheduled activities. So after finally cleaning his room, he came to my room and asked if he could read the book to me while I was doing laundry. Recognising a need to not be so much like Attila the Hun all the time, I said sure. Despite my other daughter watching t.v. in the same room, my little guy settled himself on some pillows on the floor and proceeded to read about 50 of the most heartfelt inspirational quotes for mothers I have ever heard. I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. He periodically checked to make sure I was paying attention as he read each one. Oh, the tears were flowing. He was not fidgeting, making unnecessary noises to annoy others around him, tyring to kick the sh** out of anyone not smart enough to get out of his way, whining, tantrumming, or acting like he had never heard of hooked on phonics. He was reading passage after passage as if his little heart was trying to give a gift to my heart. I feel in love all over again and felt a renewed sense of fierce devotion to this kid and a commitment to slay dragons, kick through walls, and a refusal to give up on this great little boy who has such an amazing capacity to love.

I'm sure the next principal referral, potential revoking of his inter-district transfer, or unbelievable display of inappropriate behavior will upset me but I pray I never forget his reading of the mommy book.

Never Smug Again

I am now in the process of appealing the decision of the Employment Development Office to deny my employment claim for the last two weeks of July. I had the gall to make a mistake on my claim for. I exacerbated this egregious action by attempting to white-out the wrong answer and to then indicate the correct answer. Apparently this mistake generated a letter scheduling an interview with me to clarify this issue before my check for these two weeks was released. The plot thickens. After a grueling 4 hour job interview on Thursday, I left town for a previously scheduled vacation with the family. Now mind you I took my computer and continued to monitor job leads and to apply to promising leads. Unfortunately the letter came after we had left on Friday. The interview was scheduled for Thursday of the next week. Given that i did not return until Friday , I missed my interview. Upon learning of my mistake I quickly contacted the EDD office via phone an e-mail. I was basically told that I had to wait for a letter for any further information regarding this issue. In the interim, I received my claim form for the subsequent weeks along with a receipt stating that I would receive 0 dollars for the weeks in question. Oh, I was advised by one reluctant EDD worker to use a pencil on my future forms so a mistake could be more easily remedied. I finally received my letter re: this issue on yesterday and was promptly instructed that my claim had been denied and that I wold have to file an appeal to address this situation. I quickly completed the appeal and plan to mail it in the morning.

Now a few things came to mind as a result of this experience. It reminded me of the fact that keeping up with paperwork and requirements to secure aid from any governmental agency is often a job unto itself. Working in social services for years I can admit to feeling a certain sense of superiority when clients are applying for benefits or when their benefits are interrupted for some cause. I often tried to feel a little empathy for them but honestly I think I like a lot of people felt like the least 'they' could do was comply with whatever requirements to keep those 'free' checks from rolling in. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I really needed that money and I was upset when I realized that due to a minor mistake I was experiencing a disruption in the flow of my finances. Now fortunately, I have other resources and this check was not the determinant of whether or not I ate that night but I quickly recognized that oftentimes keeping up with the requirements to keep the checks flowing is like working a full-time job.

Of course some believe that it should be difficult to access these funds that our tax benefits generate. Maybe, but I can honestly tell you that I will never be so smug and judgemental again.

Aluta Continua

Fast forward a few months. I was laid off from my job effective June 30th. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my summer- at least when I am not freaking out about my career. I have spent a lot of time with my kids and husband. We have been doing pretty well financially. I can't afford to buy anything I want but basically, the bills are paid and we have not been starving. We even managed a small vacation in Vegas. Things may be a little dicey until November but we are okay. I have been applying for jobs. I was very close to securing a very lucrative job that would have enabled me to work from home but after a very arduous application process, I was not chosen. This was very upsetting. I have since applied for for several jobs and had an interview for one. Things are really bad in the job marker. I remember interviewing candidates for positions at my last job and being struck by how people were applying for jobs they were clearly overqualified for but were nonetheless willing to take just to be able to work. Now I am in the same boat. Employers are becoming very demanding of applicants which is very difficult. For example, many companies are beginning to review credit reports. This seems illogical when you account for the fact that the longer people are our of work the less likely they will be able to keep up with their bills. I hope I sewed good seeds in how I handled candidates so hopefully I will reap some rewards.

My dilemma is that I need to move to the next level in order to command they type of job I want. This means completing my dissertation. I contacted a dissertation coach-kind of like a life coach for the dissertation process. Their rates aren't bad but given that I don't have an income, I am a little concerned. I am most concerned with paying this money and God forbid not finishing. Can you tell that I have major issues regarding this issue and that I have ceased to become my normal aggressive self when it comes to my dissertation. I feel like I obviously need help with this process yet I find myself hesitant to proceed. Also, during my free consultation with the consultant she suggested that I not start over completely but rather address the concerns in my current dissertation project. This is probably the best advice but it heightens my anxiety since I have so many negative feelings associated with this project. So, clearly I have a lot to figure out. I do want to try writing about something for two hours everyday to prove to myself that I can still pull it together to focus on a task and execute it before I start shelling out the money. Obviously, finishing my doctorate degree would significantly open up the job market for me.

I also need to learn Spanish. Now I have a lot of mixed feelings bout this. From an ethical issue it is much better to familiarize yourself as much as possible with a particular culture in order to effectively treat members of this culture. However, as an American citizen I am not that crazy about the fact that my ability to get a job is tied to my ability to speak a foreign language. I would estimate that at least 30-40% of the jobs in social services require bilingual skills. This coupled with the immigration debate coming from the state legislature in Arizona is another whole level of stress that I am resisting the urge to tackle right now.

I think I will also investigate an online Spanish and perhaps substance abuse program to furhter enhance my skill set.

Obviously, I need much prayer for direction, guidance, inspiration, and comfort. Until next time.

Still Standing

So i resisted the urge to take a 'mental healthm day and went into work today. Things have been really rough w/ my job. Basically, I have been marginalized into a pointless position whe i basically have nothing to do all day. Worse everyone around me is aware of my current status. ~ was never given an explanation for this technical demotion. Now my pay was not reduced, but I was placed on a contract that terminates at the end of June. The person who was brought in to assume my role has been given carte blanche to monopolize all of the responsibilities even though trying to do theses tasks is counterproductive. To make matters worse my former colleague who is now my boss has not stepped in to reorganize tasks. She has allowed herself to be intimidated by this new person. Now in her defense , her boss, is closely aligned with then new person and has made it quite clear that she is more interested in supporting all of her ideas. So basically, my former friend/new boss probably would not be successful in trying to get a handle on this mess. But it is still her job and I am suffering from a lack of clarity and structure. There has been no official documentation of and deficient work on my part. Neither is there any unofficial documents floating around. The most upsetting part of this whole ideal is the feeling that my presence, contribution, and very existence is being ignored. I have to admit I have never had an experience like this and it is driving me insane. I am normally a very proactive, kick butt types of person. Thus,sitting idly by while this happens is very foreign to my existence. I have applied for other jobs but the job market is crazy right now and I don't have any other firm offers. So, I am a little hesitant to upset the rotten apple cart. I am being paid more money than the other staff to basically do nothing. This however, is little comfort. I want to quit but I cannot afford to. I want to demand that they define a specific role for me that is commiserate with my experince and skill set.

This is obviously a season of angst for me. I am trying to stay in the moment and learn whatever little lessons this trial is supposed to teach me while desperately seeking out a way to resolve this situation so I can move on but I am at a loss for how to proceed. This is probably a definite sign that I need to finish my dissertation but honestly I don't even know how to proceed with that.

Well, if nothing else, maybe I can get more blogging done.

What Affects Your Mood

Just to update you, I am in the process of looking for a new job. I am still presently employed but my current contract ends in June and I don't have a guarantee of being placed on a longer contract. I am ready to go although I do have some misgivings. I lover helping people change their lives but I do not like all the unnecessary stress that my current position entails. I am a team player but when too many people have control over what you can and cannot do and those people do not always take the time to fully understand circumstances impacting your job but still instill changes, demands, and/or criticism that oftentimes does not make sense, it is time to go. I had hoped to have completed some other goals that would have made my job search much less stressful but that did not happen so I have to jump into the foray not as prepared as I would have hoped. I have a couple of job leads but this is truly the worst time to be seeking new employment.

I have noticed something a little disturbing about myself. When I research job leads and I find one that I like I start to feel as if I already have the job and I can actually sense a dramatic upswing in my mood. I will suddenly find myself whistling, or smiling, and I will have to check myself to remember that I don't actually have the job yet. I would like to think that this is part of the whole positive visualization that people talk about. That sounds a lot better then thinking that I am actually a little crazy. I especially feel this way when the potential salary is higher. I start thinking of how I will use the extra money. On the other hand I feel very deflated, depressed, and fearful when the job does not pan out. Again this may be normal but the extreme impact this has on my mood is a little disconcerting.

I have not yet checked the ads for this week but I am hoping that I will see some potential prospects. I will force myself to prepare a couple of resumes and at a minimum send out at least three. I also need to research a few potential certifications that might help improve my resume. Of course I still am uncertain how to proceed with the one thing that would really help me-my dissertation. Just typing that freaks me out and I feel the need to quickly distract myself. Oh look, my kids are playing 'Little Big Planet.' It's so pretty....

I'm back , my mind just took a convenient detour. I am also planning to log on to Weight Watchers this week. Yet another long term goal. Wish me luck.

Sunday Night Pause

Well, it's been a great weekend. Worked from home Friday and had to handle only a few crises. Saturday I hosted a prayer breakfast at my home. This was great. I rely on these monthly meetings and a vital source of support. I get to discuss issues with a few like minded women and then we pray that God would give us the strength to get through the next month. We also pray for other people with whom we have come into contact. Prayer is a really great coping mechanism for me. It settles my mind and reminds me that I don't have to handle this thing called life all by myself. Rather, I have a Father who wants to help, is willing to help, and who does help me. Often I just have to get over myself and go through the hard process of learning to trust him. This is hard for me. I spend far too many hours freaking out and stressing over issues that I don't know how to deal with instead of allowing prayer to settle my spirit and the fresh perspective of my problems that always results from this calmed spirit.

I made quiche for the first time for the breakfast. It rocked. I was so worried that it would not turn out great but it did. People were raving and packing massive to-go bags. My kids acted like they had died and gone to heaven. I stress about cooking and entertaining but I actually love it.

Sunday was church and dinner @ my brothers. My nephew turns 9 tomorrow and we did out traditional dinner, cake, present thing. Monday will happen tomorrow whether I like it or not. Fortunately, I am taking a sick day to take my 11 y/o to a few doctor's appointments. I don' actually have to return to my office until Thursday. I am trying to gain some peace from my little hiatus.

Tomorrow I know the doctor is going to ask me about giving my daughter Gardasil(sp?). I've gotten very different feedback from folk re: this issue. In short, I think I will decline. I don't think it has been around long enough to be trusted. Also, I'm not so sure that I am okay with inoculating my daughter against sexually transmitted diseases at her age. I want to sit with this decision a lot longer and really decide how I feel. I do want my daughter to remain a virgin until marriage. I know she can refrain from being sexually active until marriage or at least adulthood. I do plan to maintain an open, honest communication with her about everything and to impress upon her our values. I also plan to point out not only the spiritual reasons for abstaining but also the medical/physical reasons. Having sex at a young age is quite frankly, stupid. You will probably catch an STD if not AIDS. You will probably have to deal with a pregnancy. You will probably go through unnecessary emotional drama. You will more than likely continue to remain sexual and consequently have numerous sexual partners thus increasing the chances of all the above. You are very unlikely to protect yourself adequately by using a condom. Any hormonal boy you sleep with will also be unlikely to use condoms properly given that most of them will have difficulty bathing properly and consistently. Abstinence avoids all these pitfalls and enables you to marshal the strength to deal with all the other crap that maturing to adulthood will entail.

So my daughter will listen as I refuse the innoculation and she and I will talk about all the relevant issues over lunch and while getting a good pedicure. I love hearing her opinions and thoughts about these things. Even at 11, I am very impressed by this kid.

Typical Day in Nonprofit Community Mental Health

So, I received three frantic calls during my drive in to work. I couldn't answer them because my blue tooth was at home uncharged. I had already received a $160 ticket for conducting pressing work business on a cell phone while driving right after the initiating of the new cell phone/texting while driving laws. Anyway, I continue driving trying to avoid thinking about who might have called, whether or not there was yet another crisis brewing, had another client decided to run away, or better yet was there some other bureaucratic nonsense that I needed to handle right away. Thank God for Steve Harvey on the radio. Listening to him and Mo'Nique do their thing was allowing me some relief. But alas, to soon, I arrive at my destination. I first have to circle the block and darn near stalk people to find a parking space. Sure enough, as soon as I park and exit the car, my cell phone rings. Crap!!! Now I don't have any excuse to not respond.
"Hello"
"Does tne new clients have any meds I need to get when I pick her up from the jail?'
"What client? Who is this?"

And we are off to the races. I semi-manage a non profit, mental health program for re-entry women and children who are dealing with domestic violence, mental health issues, and substance abuse. I say sem9manage because there was a recent new staffing plan that was implemented that has left me with a lot of responsibility and no definitive title or commiserate salary to even remotely compensate me for my time. Welcome to non-profit work.

By the time I get in the office everyone is busy working. I turn on my computer to check e-mails and have to make 7 or 8 seemingly life and death decisions before I can even read my first e-mail. The phone keeps ringing....
"Why the hell have I not got my paycheck yet?"
"Why did we call the other facility expecting that psychiatrist to actually follow up with a client they assessed. They were only doing us a favor. they were not expecting to actually have to provide a refill for the client's medication. Haven't we hooked her up with another psychiatrist?"

Hmmm!!, Let's see. Surely I should have a bunch of psychiatrists in my back pocket who are willing to see an uninsured, seriously mentally ill client, with a drug history. Further more perhaps you should have allowed me to follow through with our original plan to send her to the emergency psychiatric care which we have always used. but no. You insisted on intervening in a situation you had no intention of following through with just so you could feel like you were actually doing your job. Who cares that your unnecessary intervention has now made the situation worse and that you now have the gall to call me and inquire why I have not puled a rabbit our of a hat to remedy these insane situation..

BREATHING....SLOW BREATHING.

This is the reality of middle management in a non-profit. It may perhaps be the same everywhere but I wonder if anyplace is this strange.

Did I mention that none of these decisions are supposed to officially be my responsibility? Why are people then calling me expecting me to be able to account for all this craziness.

There is of course little reminders of why I do what I do. Like the young client coming to my office letting me know that she knows her behavior has been inappropriate but that she is really trying to do better. I look at her and can honestly feel her sincerity. this client has a long road ahead of her. Very young w/ a felony, drug history, about to lose her child, and with emotional issues that result in out of control behavior periodically.

Oh my Goodness, it's only 10am. Why can't I live somewhere where they practice daily siestas. I definitely need one.

To Sue Or Not To Sue

So there is this situation going on w/ a friend of mine who works for a certain company. The company has going through a numbe of transitions for the past year or so since a new CEO too over the company. My friend worked for one of the three pioneers of the company. After the new CEO took over and the one of the old CEO's retired my friends boss began to have numerous problems with the new CEO till she finally retired also. The division my friend worked for then began having a series of problems as the one remaining pioneer took over the reigns. For whatever reasons, the remaining pioneer sougth to revamp the my friend's entire division. A staffing plan was devised and is in the stages of being implemented. The problem began as my friend was not allowed to directly participate in the revamping although her ideas were solicited and often implemented by the revampiong team. The remaining pioneer never sought my friend out directly and appeared to be intentionally margniZlizing my friend despite the administrative role my friend has in her division. The pioneering CEO began working direcely with my friends staff and began commnunicating with my friend indirectly almost as if she did not want to have a direct conversation with her. To further confuse the issue my friend was never directly told what her role should be during this revamping process. Yet my friend continues to have her ideas consistently challenged and she continues to receive negative feedback from the remaining pioneer. My friend did request a meeting with the remainiong pioneer but she never received a direct response from the pioneer. My friend basically does not know what her ole is and is obviously stressed out by the whole process. She feels that every action is subject to unwarranted criticism

Prayer Meeting

It's been awhile. I just retuned from a weekly prayer breakfast I attend with a couple of girlfriends. This time is so precious and inspiring to me. we typically share how God has blessed us over the past month and we then share prayer requests with each other. These requests can be related to our own personal lives but they also include prayers we have been given by others in our live who have requested prayer. In between praying and praising God, we have a great meal and we do a lot of talking,laughing, and connecting. I have come to depend on this time of sharing. It has been very helpful duing this difficult time in my life. Praying reminds me that I don't have to try to figure out life on my own. rather, I have a God who delights in blessing me and who gives me wisdom and power to make it through my daily life. Prayer time reminds me that I am God's child and that just like I care about my childre, God cares about me. It also causes me to reflect on the fact that I am not limited by my own human inadequacies and shortcomings. God is always with me and I can always rely on his strength and power. I may be small but he is really big. My shoulders can only take so much but his arms can hold me and all my problems just fine. I am so glad that I was blessed to come to know him as my personal saviour and that through this personal relationship with him I can pretty much do anything, handle anything, and be successful at anything as long as I do it all in his name.