Budgeting Woes!!!

Decided to start off my Saturday with an exhilarating activity...Not. I wanted to get a better handle on where all of our money is going. According to the nutrition services department of my children's school we make to much money to qualify for free or reduced lunches. As a result my children also cannot take advantage of the free tutoring services offered through the school district. Wow, it must be great being so well off. Hmmmm!, I wonder why I don't feel so rich. Our financial picture probably looks like a lot of folks. You make financial obligations when you are making much more money and have to continue to carry these obligations when your income decreases. I am re-realizing an important financial lesson. Only do what you can pay for and do not get into debt. Now if only my today voice could go back and scream at my yesterday reality. No such luck. I am trying to figure out how and where we can cut back. My daughter is able to take advantage of a free after school program and I don't want to give this up b/c when I return to work this will be a huge financial plus. In the meantime, however, I think it's costing us too much in gas b/c she is obligated to stay there 9 hrs a week so this means I bring the 'babies' home after school and my husband goes back to pick her up. Their school district is a 20 minute drive on the freeway.

After trying to categorize things I had to use a miscellaneous category. This made sense until the numbers started to add up significantly. I'm not sure how else you would categorize expenses that are not routine but nevertheless come up. Things like school pictures, paying the handyman to fix the toilet and the dryer, those pesky co-pays, and prescription refills. I guess I should come up with home maintenance categories and medical expenses categories. Some months however, I don't need to spend any extra money in these areas. As I am typing this I realize, I should probably set aside money every month so I am not hit with a huge expense at one time. Wow, writing this out is actually helping to clarify this budgeting process. At any rate, I am at the end and the numbers are not adding up. I think an online program like quicken would be beneficial. We were using a free one online but I think it ended when it became clear that we were not going to pay for any actual software.

GRRRRRRR!!!......, where is a free accountant when you need one.

Status Update

I have to officially declare that Panic isstarting to set in with me. I have not made adequate progress on my dissertation and I am now at the point where I no longer want to mention it or discuss it with family/friends. I am sending out a steady stream of resumes but not getting any hits. In short, I feel stuck and unable to move forward. I hate this feeling because I don't feel like I have any control over my future but rather my life's goals are being thwarted by others or by forces beyond my control. Now, the strong assetive part of me knows that his is crap but I am having trouble digging put from this heavy load of uncertainty and insecurity.

This really makes me wonder, how does one start again or kick start your life when you feel immobilized. I am trying to establish clear goals and to work consistently toward these goals but If I am honest I often end up on facebook or reading another psychological thriller instead of pushing through with working on my stuff. I do pray and read the WORD of GOD but it's becoming more and more difficult to maintains the inspiration and energy I receive from these vital life sources. I am starting to wonder if I will succeed of if I am on the brink of a huge, scary, inescapable failure. It may be time to reevaluate my life and exactly what I want out of it.

Encouragement

I have officially been unemployed for 5 months. I have only had a few credible job leads and so far none of these have panned out. I have continued to procrastinate with my dissertation vacillating between whether I really want to pursue this goal or to Church this vision in lieu of something else. I am happy that I have an opportunity to be licensed as a master's level clinician in 2011 but this is a long term process and may not net me a job before the middle of next year. My family is doing well. everyone is healthy, well-fed, properly clothed. My bills are paid. I certainly wish some of my credit cards were paid off but so far I am able to pay more than the minimum. I will be able to give my kids some of the things on their list. As evidenced by my last post, hubby and I are doing okay. So in short I have a lot to be thankful for.

I do, however, continue to have mini anxiety attacks, insomnia, and to sometimes experience paralyzing despair when I look at my professional life. Things were supposed to be so much better. Most of my friends are doing very well and enjoying the success I feel like I should be experiencing. I do not begrudge them anything and I am genuinely happy for their accomplishments. I just wonder wth is wrong with me.

Today, while dropping the kids off and heading to the gym I heard two messages that really encouraged me. One message by Alex Trubec reflected on the difficulty that the great patriarchs of the bible experienced usually right after a great triumph. Elijah fled from Jezebel and had a huge pity party right after he had successfully demonstrated the power of God over and above the prophets of Baal (1Kings 18:39). David became embroiled in a huge scandal involving adultery and murder after he had been successful in the past at killing Goliath and other miracles. Basically, we will go through difficulty even if we are being used by God. God will be there to restore us and to encourage us in the midst of these storms. We just have to keep pushing forward and trusting him. Failure does not mean God has forgotten you. He is there in the midst of your failure. The other message addressed the need to delight yourself in the Lord as he gives you the desires of your heart. Delight means fully immersing yourself in the knowledge of God and walking in communion with him. Both these were very encouraging to me. I don't really know how things are going to work out for me but I have to reflect on how God is presently working on my behave and have confidence that He will never leave me nor forsake me. It doesn't matter if my present situation is due to some fault in me. I have to trust him to grow me and to fulfill his purpose in my life.


Be Encouraged.

EWWWWWW!!!!!

So, it's Sunday afternoon and after a stressful week filled with nonstop responsibilities, appointments, work, housework, bills, etc. the hubby and I were finally finding a little time to 'fellowship'. Things were progressing quite nicely and escalating to a significant point when all of a sudden we hear a loud proclamation of , "EWWWWWWWW!!!!". We disentangle, and to our horror our youngest son is standing at the foot of our bed looking horrified and holding the telephone in his hand. We all enter a moment of suspended animation that felt like years although I'm sure it was a few seconds. My son quickly drops the phone and proceeds to run out of the room. My husband encourages his flight by forgetting every parenting class, seminar, or speech he has ever heard and yelling, "GET OUT". We are stunned into awful silence as we recognize that there was indeed someone on the telephone. My husband grabs the phone and silently indicates that my mother is on the phone. OMG!!!!, Can this get any worse? So we do what any mature people who have been sometimes trusted to dispense wise advice to others would do...he hangs up the phone. I quickly bury my head in the pillow and ask, "Didn't you lock the doors (we have two doors that lead into our bedroom)?" He claims that he did. Horror turns to embarrassment which quickly turns into hysterical laughter, and then the cycle keeps repeating itself in this excruciating loop. To put the icing on this unbelievable cake, my husband looks at me and says, "Well, we might as well finish." This is definitely not the time to revisit the Men are From Mars/Women are from Venus saga but you clearly get the point.

After tying up the loose ends (smh) my husband and I debate whether my mother will know what was going on. You have to realize that my mother has been described as an ostrich who frequently sticks her head in the sand to avoid discussing anything that is uncomfortable. We agree that she probably knows what we were doing but that she will gladly be complicit with us in coming up with any other way of explaining this incident other than the real deal. Of course this is assuming that I ever decide to talk to my mother again.

My husband goes downstairs and continuing his episode of poor parenting reams my son for rushing into our room into a closed door rather than knocking. I call him on his cell in the midst of this tirade and encourage him to not further traumatize the child. I then decide that even though I am a very open parent and accurately, and freely address any questions my kids pose to me regarding sexual issues I will never speak of this again. I am going to follow in the tradition of my mother. So, I finally get the courage to come downstairs to face my family and despite a few weird looks from my daughters we all proceed as if it never happened. My husband did have the good parenting talk with my son explaining that mommy and daddy are in a healthy, committed relationship, and that what he saw was our special way of sharing that love with each other. Of course we heavily emphasize that we are married and that a healthy sexual relationship is part of the benefits of being married.

I finally talked to my mom a day later and sure enough we came up with a safe way to talk about the incident. The take away message is make sure your doors are locked when you want to fellowship.