What Affects Your Mood

Just to update you, I am in the process of looking for a new job. I am still presently employed but my current contract ends in June and I don't have a guarantee of being placed on a longer contract. I am ready to go although I do have some misgivings. I lover helping people change their lives but I do not like all the unnecessary stress that my current position entails. I am a team player but when too many people have control over what you can and cannot do and those people do not always take the time to fully understand circumstances impacting your job but still instill changes, demands, and/or criticism that oftentimes does not make sense, it is time to go. I had hoped to have completed some other goals that would have made my job search much less stressful but that did not happen so I have to jump into the foray not as prepared as I would have hoped. I have a couple of job leads but this is truly the worst time to be seeking new employment.

I have noticed something a little disturbing about myself. When I research job leads and I find one that I like I start to feel as if I already have the job and I can actually sense a dramatic upswing in my mood. I will suddenly find myself whistling, or smiling, and I will have to check myself to remember that I don't actually have the job yet. I would like to think that this is part of the whole positive visualization that people talk about. That sounds a lot better then thinking that I am actually a little crazy. I especially feel this way when the potential salary is higher. I start thinking of how I will use the extra money. On the other hand I feel very deflated, depressed, and fearful when the job does not pan out. Again this may be normal but the extreme impact this has on my mood is a little disconcerting.

I have not yet checked the ads for this week but I am hoping that I will see some potential prospects. I will force myself to prepare a couple of resumes and at a minimum send out at least three. I also need to research a few potential certifications that might help improve my resume. Of course I still am uncertain how to proceed with the one thing that would really help me-my dissertation. Just typing that freaks me out and I feel the need to quickly distract myself. Oh look, my kids are playing 'Little Big Planet.' It's so pretty....

I'm back , my mind just took a convenient detour. I am also planning to log on to Weight Watchers this week. Yet another long term goal. Wish me luck.

Sunday Night Pause

Well, it's been a great weekend. Worked from home Friday and had to handle only a few crises. Saturday I hosted a prayer breakfast at my home. This was great. I rely on these monthly meetings and a vital source of support. I get to discuss issues with a few like minded women and then we pray that God would give us the strength to get through the next month. We also pray for other people with whom we have come into contact. Prayer is a really great coping mechanism for me. It settles my mind and reminds me that I don't have to handle this thing called life all by myself. Rather, I have a Father who wants to help, is willing to help, and who does help me. Often I just have to get over myself and go through the hard process of learning to trust him. This is hard for me. I spend far too many hours freaking out and stressing over issues that I don't know how to deal with instead of allowing prayer to settle my spirit and the fresh perspective of my problems that always results from this calmed spirit.

I made quiche for the first time for the breakfast. It rocked. I was so worried that it would not turn out great but it did. People were raving and packing massive to-go bags. My kids acted like they had died and gone to heaven. I stress about cooking and entertaining but I actually love it.

Sunday was church and dinner @ my brothers. My nephew turns 9 tomorrow and we did out traditional dinner, cake, present thing. Monday will happen tomorrow whether I like it or not. Fortunately, I am taking a sick day to take my 11 y/o to a few doctor's appointments. I don' actually have to return to my office until Thursday. I am trying to gain some peace from my little hiatus.

Tomorrow I know the doctor is going to ask me about giving my daughter Gardasil(sp?). I've gotten very different feedback from folk re: this issue. In short, I think I will decline. I don't think it has been around long enough to be trusted. Also, I'm not so sure that I am okay with inoculating my daughter against sexually transmitted diseases at her age. I want to sit with this decision a lot longer and really decide how I feel. I do want my daughter to remain a virgin until marriage. I know she can refrain from being sexually active until marriage or at least adulthood. I do plan to maintain an open, honest communication with her about everything and to impress upon her our values. I also plan to point out not only the spiritual reasons for abstaining but also the medical/physical reasons. Having sex at a young age is quite frankly, stupid. You will probably catch an STD if not AIDS. You will probably have to deal with a pregnancy. You will probably go through unnecessary emotional drama. You will more than likely continue to remain sexual and consequently have numerous sexual partners thus increasing the chances of all the above. You are very unlikely to protect yourself adequately by using a condom. Any hormonal boy you sleep with will also be unlikely to use condoms properly given that most of them will have difficulty bathing properly and consistently. Abstinence avoids all these pitfalls and enables you to marshal the strength to deal with all the other crap that maturing to adulthood will entail.

So my daughter will listen as I refuse the innoculation and she and I will talk about all the relevant issues over lunch and while getting a good pedicure. I love hearing her opinions and thoughts about these things. Even at 11, I am very impressed by this kid.

Typical Day in Nonprofit Community Mental Health

So, I received three frantic calls during my drive in to work. I couldn't answer them because my blue tooth was at home uncharged. I had already received a $160 ticket for conducting pressing work business on a cell phone while driving right after the initiating of the new cell phone/texting while driving laws. Anyway, I continue driving trying to avoid thinking about who might have called, whether or not there was yet another crisis brewing, had another client decided to run away, or better yet was there some other bureaucratic nonsense that I needed to handle right away. Thank God for Steve Harvey on the radio. Listening to him and Mo'Nique do their thing was allowing me some relief. But alas, to soon, I arrive at my destination. I first have to circle the block and darn near stalk people to find a parking space. Sure enough, as soon as I park and exit the car, my cell phone rings. Crap!!! Now I don't have any excuse to not respond.
"Hello"
"Does tne new clients have any meds I need to get when I pick her up from the jail?'
"What client? Who is this?"

And we are off to the races. I semi-manage a non profit, mental health program for re-entry women and children who are dealing with domestic violence, mental health issues, and substance abuse. I say sem9manage because there was a recent new staffing plan that was implemented that has left me with a lot of responsibility and no definitive title or commiserate salary to even remotely compensate me for my time. Welcome to non-profit work.

By the time I get in the office everyone is busy working. I turn on my computer to check e-mails and have to make 7 or 8 seemingly life and death decisions before I can even read my first e-mail. The phone keeps ringing....
"Why the hell have I not got my paycheck yet?"
"Why did we call the other facility expecting that psychiatrist to actually follow up with a client they assessed. They were only doing us a favor. they were not expecting to actually have to provide a refill for the client's medication. Haven't we hooked her up with another psychiatrist?"

Hmmm!!, Let's see. Surely I should have a bunch of psychiatrists in my back pocket who are willing to see an uninsured, seriously mentally ill client, with a drug history. Further more perhaps you should have allowed me to follow through with our original plan to send her to the emergency psychiatric care which we have always used. but no. You insisted on intervening in a situation you had no intention of following through with just so you could feel like you were actually doing your job. Who cares that your unnecessary intervention has now made the situation worse and that you now have the gall to call me and inquire why I have not puled a rabbit our of a hat to remedy these insane situation..

BREATHING....SLOW BREATHING.

This is the reality of middle management in a non-profit. It may perhaps be the same everywhere but I wonder if anyplace is this strange.

Did I mention that none of these decisions are supposed to officially be my responsibility? Why are people then calling me expecting me to be able to account for all this craziness.

There is of course little reminders of why I do what I do. Like the young client coming to my office letting me know that she knows her behavior has been inappropriate but that she is really trying to do better. I look at her and can honestly feel her sincerity. this client has a long road ahead of her. Very young w/ a felony, drug history, about to lose her child, and with emotional issues that result in out of control behavior periodically.

Oh my Goodness, it's only 10am. Why can't I live somewhere where they practice daily siestas. I definitely need one.