How's that for a catchy title. Well, I just returned on Sunday from Ohio along with my husband. We went to funeralize his father who had passed away suddenly. The whole experience has been rather surreal. My hubby received the news on last Thursday while driving to pick up the kids. He called me in the car and just sobbed. Let me just say. These are not the best circumstances under which you want to be transversing the hell that is Los Angeles Traffic. Thankfully we both survived without creating another police chase video. I decided quickly to accomapny him b/c I was a little worried about how he would make out and also b/c I was very curious about how this whole thing would play out.
Well there was enough drama for a stage play but ultimately his father was laid to rest in a respectful fashion and his remains are in the veterans cemetary which is a propper acknowledgement of his service to his country.
My husbands biggest concern was and continues to be whether or not his father had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ before he died. Now my father-in-law was raised in the church, had many family members including my husband who were ministers, and certainly engaged in many of the rituals associated with Christianity. Whether or not he had actually established a personal relationship w/ Jesus by repenting of his sins and asking Jesus to come into his heart, however, is somewhat of a mystery. My father in law was a very intelligent man who was deeply troubled. Some of his issues could be traced back to the turbulent sixties, or to the vietnam war, or to the anger that is sometimes associated with being a thinking black man. But he never seemed to be at peace. He was also a self proclaimed seeker who was constantly in search of the answer. He was one of those indiviuals who was well read and well versed on a vast multitude of subjects. He also had read everyone of the thousands of books he owned. But I am not so sure that in his quest for knowledge he was able to accept the simplicity of the gospel.
His life does make me reflect on the necessity of pursuing simple truth. It is tue that when all is said and done and one finds himself laying in a coffin the only thing that really matters is what you have done about Jesus. If you have accpeted him then everything is good irregardless of how the wolrd may value your life. If you have not accepted him than no good you have done can make up for the ultimate bad you have accomplished by rejecting Christ. Christianity is not opposed to the pursuit of knowledge but pursuing knowledge for knowledge's sake can make you miss God. I have to remind myself of this because sometimes I can get caught up in what I know, or what I think I understand. I have even become so arrogant as to think that my ability to understand or to not understand something impacts reality.
Well his father is gone and one day we two will be gone. This is depressing. But then I think that Jesus is here, has always been here, and will always be and that provides me with an unbelievable amount of hope. I often fall very short of what God wants me to do or be but I am so relieved to know that my ultimate source of joy is to fulfill His purpose for my life and then to go and spend eternity with Him. It is so not on me to figure out life. I just have to spend my time trying to figure out as much as I can about Him. I am not even alone in this endeavor as He helps me get to know Him and helps me become more and more like Him.
My f-i-l' death did also make me more aware of both my own mortality and that of my parents. I am so not ready to deal with the idea of losing my mom or my dad. I am also wondering if my hubby has hit his breaking point. He lost his grandmother who raised him and his father. His relationship with his mother is almost nonexistant and she apparently has some type of serious illness which she will not disclose. He mentioned going out on stress and I had to bridle my tongue b/c of course the bad economy makes this a terrifying thought.
On top of all this my 10 y/o's doctor wants to do an MRI on her heart. The doctor keeps insisting that nothing is wrong but this is the third expensive test she has requested. Granted my 10 y/o is not having any symptoms of anything but the doctor is concerned about some possible artifacts in her heart. If you can't tell I am a little overwhelmed.
I know that God is in control. I don't mean this in some superchristian cliquey way. I mean I am so glad he is in control b/c I am almost at my wits end and if it were all on me I would have lost my mind a long time ago. So the fact that I can still function, laugh, experience joy, love my family, and feel optimistic means that God is totally sustaining me. I fear my family's mortality but I know of a certainty that they belong to God and that he is able to keep their bodies whole and if not he will empower me to deal with whatever comes my way.
Keep praying for me.
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