nettalyce

God Does Not Hate Me

2011-01-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope, Jeremiah 29:11

I have been a Christian for a long time so you would think that I would be beyond harboring doubt about God's love for me. Certainly, even if I doubted His love, I would not harbor thoughts that He has bad intentions toward me, Well, unfortunately, if I am honest with myself I sometimes experience anxiety related to God and His feelings toward me and His intentions for me. I don't doubt that He is all powerful. I just sometimes wonder if He plans to use His mightiness for my benefit.

Although I have been blessed tremendously throughout my life, I have had some painful, traumatic experiences when I wondered where God was or wether or not He was paying attention to my situation. Usually, I imagined that no one else was going through what I was experiencing and thus I was somehow being singled out. A lot of these notions stemmed from a very one sided acceptance of the Word of God and all that it reveals about the personhood of God. I viewed God as being omnipotent, omnipresent, omnicient, etc. so it therefore followed that if everything was not kosher in my life at a particular time then God was choosing to allow me to go through these things and choosing not to miraculously intervene.

It's important to note that I was raised in the Pentecostal church where testifying was a well developed art. The saints would dramatically tell of the goodness of Jesus and just as dramatically talk about all the evil deeds of the devil. Now, the saints were always ultimately delivered from the evil plots of satan and the Lord always showed up right on time. I was very influenced by this. I remember rejoicing with the saints that with the Lord's help they had overcome but I was always curious as to why the Lord just didn't prevent them from having any negative experiences at all. I also secretly wanted God to keep me from evil altogether.

As a student of the Word, I know that we live in a sinful world and that we will suffer trials and tribulations as a result. I also know and believe that 'All things work together for good for those who are called according to His will.' I also realize that our faith is often tested in order that we might grow stronger in our faith. But I had to remind myself today that God takes no pleasure in our struggles. Nor does He have any ill intent toward us. It is illogical that He would send His only Son to die for our sins in order that He might have a real relationship with us just to spend time and energy trying to cause us harm. So, if I am going through a difficult time and if my current situation does not seem to be working out, I need to remeber that God ultimately desires the best for me. I have to reflect on the Foot prints poem and recognize that His is always with me. Sometimes He walks beside me and I can feel His presence and sometimes He carries me and I might not be aware that he is there.

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope, Jeremiah 29:11

This passage in Jeremiah is such a comfort to me. First of all God is thinking of me. this is incredible when we think of how great He is and how insignificant we are. Not only is He thinking of me but he has plans for me to benefit and not to suffer calamity. I of course have to put this in a spiritual perspective but I can take comfort in knowing that the Creator of the universe is thinking good thoughts and making good plans for me. Awww, that feels better already.

Jealousy

2010-12-29T09:00:00.000-08:00

According to Wikipedia, Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. According to the same source jealousy should not be confused with envy which is (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."[1]
Envy can also derive from a sense of low self-esteem that results from an upward social comparison threatening a person's self image: another person has something that the envier considers to be important to have. If the other person is perceived to be similar to the envier, the aroused envy will be particularly intense, because it signals to the envier that it just as well could have been he or she who had the desired object.[2

Both feelings are extremely destructive and have plagued mankind since Cain and Abel's tumultuous relationship in the begining of time. I have been thinking a lot about these issues during my current difficulties. I have always priding myself on bein a confident person who genuinely enjoys the successes of others and wishes them only the best. However, I must admit that I have had to put forth extra effort to avoid these feelings taking root in my psyche over the past several months. This has been very stressful because I genuinely believe that my life is guided and directed by God and that He will provide for me everything I am intended to have. So I don't need to worry about what others have and what others have accomplished because it does not affect me. But, I can feel the little green-eyed monster creeping up from time -to-time and I have to consciously talk myself out of these feelings. These feelings remind me of the fact that even though someone might be a Christian, we deal with a daily battle of not allowing ourself to fall into a pattern of sin. We are very susceptible to harboring sinful feelings like envy and jealousy and we can't always automatically not be tempted by these issues. So what do you do when you feel disturbing thoughts and feelings creeping into your mind.
1) The first step is to recognize that you are actually experiencing jealousy and envy. This seems simple but it actually might require a little insight into your own psyche. The jealousy and envy may mask themselves as irritation or undue criticism of the other person. You may also find yourself searching for some quality within the other person that you can feel a sense of superiority regarding. For example, you may repsond to news of another person's career sucess by focussing on their lack of a spous or children. It is crucial to be brutally honest with yourself and acknowledge that their sucess makes your current lack of sucess fell magnified and that you feel negative emotions toward the other person as a result.
2) Don't act on these feelings. You will need to give yourself some time to work through these feelings so it is important that you don't engage in any negative behavior that may be based on these feelings. You should not respond negatively to the person. You should not communicate your negative feelings to another third party. You should not take any actions to bring the other individual down a notch. It is normal to feel tempted but it is not okay to act out your temptation. Besides, you want to get a handle on these feelings before they begin to impact your behavior.
3) Ask yourself the ultimate question, ' How does this make me feel about myself?' This is a huge questions and it may cause you some distress. If you have difficulty doing this on your own, you may want to consult a trusted confidant and/or a counselor. I would spend conSIderable time sitting with this issue. Personally, I would spend significant time in prayer and reading my Bible. As a Christian, it is at this point that I would repent of these feelings. Repent means to acknowledge your sin, ask God to forgive you, ask for help to change your feelings, and to go on with the intention to not repeat the sin.
4) Take whatever steps necessary to improve your own situation so you will have less impetus to feel jealous and envious of others. Focussing on your own self-improvement also focusses your mind on more positive emotions and enables you to spend less time and enerygy worrying about others.
5) You can reapply these steps repetitively until they become routine.

Budgeting Woes!!!

2010-11-27T10:31:00.000-08:00

Decided to start off my Saturday with an exhilarating activity...Not. I wanted to get a better handle on where all of our money is going. According to the nutrition services department of my children's school we make to much money to qualify for free or reduced lunches. As a result my children also cannot take advantage of the free tutoring services offered through the school district. Wow, it must be great being so well off. Hmmmm!, I wonder why I don't feel so rich. Our financial picture probably looks like a lot of folks. You make financial obligations when you are making much more money and have to continue to carry these obligations when your income decreases. I am re-realizing an important financial lesson. Only do what you can pay for and do not get into debt. Now if only my today voice could go back and scream at my yesterday reality. No such luck. I am trying to figure out how and where we can cut back. My daughter is able to take advantage of a free after school program and I don't want to give this up b/c when I return to work this will be a huge financial plus. In the meantime, however, I think it's costing us too much in gas b/c she is obligated to stay there 9 hrs a week so this means I bring the 'babies' home after school and my husband goes back to pick her up. Their school district is a 20 minute drive on the freeway.

After trying to categorize things I had to use a miscellaneous category. This made sense until the numbers started to add up significantly. I'm not sure how else you would categorize expenses that are not routine but nevertheless come up. Things like school pictures, paying the handyman to fix the toilet and the dryer, those pesky co-pays, and prescription refills. I guess I should come up with home maintenance categories and medical expenses categories. Some months however, I don't need to spend any extra money in these areas. As I am typing this I realize, I should probably set aside money every month so I am not hit with a huge expense at one time. Wow, writing this out is actually helping to clarify this budgeting process. At any rate, I am at the end and the numbers are not adding up. I think an online program like quicken would be beneficial. We were using a free one online but I think it ended when it became clear that we were not going to pay for any actual software.

GRRRRRRR!!!......, where is a free accountant when you need one.

Status Update

2010-11-21T18:02:00.000-08:00

I have to officially declare that Panic isstarting to set in with me. I have not made adequate progress on my dissertation and I am now at the point where I no longer want to mention it or discuss it with family/friends. I am sending out a steady stream of resumes but not getting any hits. In short, I feel stuck and unable to move forward. I hate this feeling because I don't feel like I have any control over my future but rather my life's goals are being thwarted by others or by forces beyond my control. Now, the strong assetive part of me knows that his is crap but I am having trouble digging put from this heavy load of uncertainty and insecurity.

This really makes me wonder, how does one start again or kick start your life when you feel immobilized. I am trying to establish clear goals and to work consistently toward these goals but If I am honest I often end up on facebook or reading another psychological thriller instead of pushing through with working on my stuff. I do pray and read the WORD of GOD but it's becoming more and more difficult to maintains the inspiration and energy I receive from these vital life sources. I am starting to wonder if I will succeed of if I am on the brink of a huge, scary, inescapable failure. It may be time to reevaluate my life and exactly what I want out of it.

Encouragement

2010-11-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

I have officially been unemployed for 5 months. I have only had a few credible job leads and so far none of these have panned out. I have continued to procrastinate with my dissertation vacillating between whether I really want to pursue this goal or to Church this vision in lieu of something else. I am happy that I have an opportunity to be licensed as a master's level clinician in 2011 but this is a long term process and may not net me a job before the middle of next year. My family is doing well. everyone is healthy, well-fed, properly clothed. My bills are paid. I certainly wish some of my credit cards were paid off but so far I am able to pay more than the minimum. I will be able to give my kids some of the things on their list. As evidenced by my last post, hubby and I are doing okay. So in short I have a lot to be thankful for.

I do, however, continue to have mini anxiety attacks, insomnia, and to sometimes experience paralyzing despair when I look at my professional life. Things were supposed to be so much better. Most of my friends are doing very well and enjoying the success I feel like I should be experiencing. I do not begrudge them anything and I am genuinely happy for their accomplishments. I just wonder wth is wrong with me.

Today, while dropping the kids off and heading to the gym I heard two messages that really encouraged me. One message by Alex Trubec reflected on the difficulty that the great patriarchs of the bible experienced usually right after a great triumph. Elijah fled from Jezebel and had a huge pity party right after he had successfully demonstrated the power of God over and above the prophets of Baal (1Kings 18:39). David became embroiled in a huge scandal involving adultery and murder after he had been successful in the past at killing Goliath and other miracles. Basically, we will go through difficulty even if we are being used by God. God will be there to restore us and to encourage us in the midst of these storms. We just have to keep pushing forward and trusting him. Failure does not mean God has forgotten you. He is there in the midst of your failure. The other message addressed the need to delight yourself in the Lord as he gives you the desires of your heart. Delight means fully immersing yourself in the knowledge of God and walking in communion with him. Both these were very encouraging to me. I don't really know how things are going to work out for me but I have to reflect on how God is presently working on my behave and have confidence that He will never leave me nor forsake me. It doesn't matter if my present situation is due to some fault in me. I have to trust him to grow me and to fulfill his purpose in my life.

Be Encouraged.

EWWWWWW!!!!!

2010-11-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

So, it's Sunday afternoon and after a stressful week filled with nonstop responsibilities, appointments, work, housework, bills, etc. the hubby and I were finally finding a little time to 'fellowship'. Things were progressing quite nicely and escalating to a significant point when all of a sudden we hear a loud proclamation of , "EWWWWWWWW!!!!". We disentangle, and to our horror our youngest son is standing at the foot of our bed looking horrified and holding the telephone in his hand. We all enter a moment of suspended animation that felt like years although I'm sure it was a few seconds. My son quickly drops the phone and proceeds to run out of the room. My husband encourages his flight by forgetting every parenting class, seminar, or speech he has ever heard and yelling, "GET OUT". We are stunned into awful silence as we recognize that there was indeed someone on the telephone. My husband grabs the phone and silently indicates that my mother is on the phone. OMG!!!!, Can this get any worse? So we do what any mature people who have been sometimes trusted to dispense wise advice to others would do...he hangs up the phone. I quickly bury my head in the pillow and ask, "Didn't you lock the doors (we have two doors that lead into our bedroom)?" He claims that he did. Horror turns to embarrassment which quickly turns into hysterical laughter, and then the cycle keeps repeating itself in this excruciating loop. To put the icing on this unbelievable cake, my husband looks at me and says, "Well, we might as well finish." This is definitely not the time to revisit the Men are From Mars/Women are from Venus saga but you clearly get the point.

After tying up the loose ends (smh) my husband and I debate whether my mother will know what was going on. You have to realize that my mother has been described as an ostrich who frequently sticks her head in the sand to avoid discussing anything that is uncomfortable. We agree that she probably knows what we were doing but that she will gladly be complicit with us in coming up with any other way of explaining this incident other than the real deal. Of course this is assuming that I ever decide to talk to my mother again.

My husband goes downstairs and continuing his episode of poor parenting reams my son for rushing into our room into a closed door rather than knocking. I call him on his cell in the midst of this tirade and encourage him to not further traumatize the child. I then decide that even though I am a very open parent and accurately, and freely address any questions my kids pose to me regarding sexual issues I will never speak of this again. I am going to follow in the tradition of my mother. So, I finally get the courage to come downstairs to face my family and despite a few weird looks from my daughters we all proceed as if it never happened. My husband did have the good parenting talk with my son explaining that mommy and daddy are in a healthy, committed relationship, and that what he saw was our special way of sharing that love with each other. Of course we heavily emphasize that we are married and that a healthy sexual relationship is part of the benefits of being married.

I finally talked to my mom a day later and sure enough we came up with a safe way to talk about the incident. The take away message is make sure your doors are locked when you want to fellowship.

The Mommy Book

2010-10-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

So this morning was one of those moments when you remember that it is always important to not get so caught up in the craziness that is your life that you forget to focus on the important things. My son has been having a number of behavioral/emotional issues that have kept my husband and myself on somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Parenting of this little guy definitely taps all of our resources and cause us to have to be on our 'P's and Q's' constantly. He is consistently inconsistent so just when you decide upon a specific intervention he changes the table on you and stops exhibiting the problematic behavior lulling you back into a sense of normalcy before he acts out again. So anyway, in between the homework battles, sibling rivalry battles, the carpooling, monitoring of chores, cooking dinner, cleaning house chaos that characterizes our live, my son has asked me several times if he could read this Mommy Book to me. The book looked like a collection of inspirational sayings with pictures. Since the book did not look like the chapter books he has has been attempting to evade even though he is supposed to read for at least 15 minutes/day so I don't totally blow it as a Christian parent when I feel out his monthly reading log claiming that he has indeed actually read all the listed books for the requisite 15 minutes, I have been refusing and instead insisting that he do whatever it is he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Well, today was a rare pajama day Saturday where we were all lounging around casually doing chores with no scheduled activities. So after finally cleaning his room, he came to my room and asked if he could read the book to me while I was doing laundry. Recognising a need to not be so much like Attila the Hun all the time, I said sure. Despite my other daughter watching t.v. in the same room, my little guy settled himself on some pillows on the floor and proceeded to read about 50 of the most heartfelt inspirational quotes for mothers I have ever heard. I couldn't tear my eyes off of him. He periodically checked to make sure I was paying attention as he read each one. Oh, the tears were flowing. He was not fidgeting, making unnecessary noises to annoy others around him, tyring to kick the sh** out of anyone not smart enough to get out of his way, whining, tantrumming, or acting like he had never heard of hooked on phonics. He was reading passage after passage as if his little heart was trying to give a gift to my heart. I feel in love all over again and felt a renewed sense of fierce devotion to this kid and a commitment to slay dragons, kick through walls, and a refusal to give up on this great little boy who has such an amazing capacity to love.

I'm sure the next principal referral, potential revoking of his inter-district transfer, or unbelievable display of inappropriate behavior will upset me but I pray I never forget his reading of the mommy book.

Never Smug Again

2010-08-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

I am now in the process of appealing the decision of the Employment Development Office to deny my employment claim for the last two weeks of July. I had the gall to make a mistake on my claim for. I exacerbated this egregious action by attempting to white-out the wrong answer and to then indicate the correct answer. Apparently this mistake generated a letter scheduling an interview with me to clarify this issue before my check for these two weeks was released. The plot thickens. After a grueling 4 hour job interview on Thursday, I left town for a previously scheduled vacation with the family. Now mind you I took my computer and continued to monitor job leads and to apply to promising leads. Unfortunately the letter came after we had left on Friday. The interview was scheduled for Thursday of the next week. Given that i did not return until Friday , I missed my interview. Upon learning of my mistake I quickly contacted the EDD office via phone an e-mail. I was basically told that I had to wait for a letter for any further information regarding this issue. In the interim, I received my claim form for the subsequent weeks along with a receipt stating that I would receive 0 dollars for the weeks in question. Oh, I was advised by one reluctant EDD worker to use a pencil on my future forms so a mistake could be more easily remedied. I finally received my letter re: this issue on yesterday and was promptly instructed that my claim had been denied and that I wold have to file an appeal to address this situation. I quickly completed the appeal and plan to mail it in the morning.

Now a few things came to mind as a result of this experience. It reminded me of the fact that keeping up with paperwork and requirements to secure aid from any governmental agency is often a job unto itself. Working in social services for years I can admit to feeling a certain sense of superiority when clients are applying for benefits or when their benefits are interrupted for some cause. I often tried to feel a little empathy for them but honestly I think I like a lot of people felt like the least 'they' could do was comply with whatever requirements to keep those 'free' checks from rolling in. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I really needed that money and I was upset when I realized that due to a minor mistake I was experiencing a disruption in the flow of my finances. Now fortunately, I have other resources and this check was not the determinant of whether or not I ate that night but I quickly recognized that oftentimes keeping up with the requirements to keep the checks flowing is like working a full-time job.

Of course some believe that it should be difficult to access these funds that our tax benefits generate. Maybe, but I can honestly tell you that I will never be so smug and judgemental again.

Aluta Continua

2010-08-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Fast forward a few months. I was laid off from my job effective June 30th. I can honestly say I have enjoyed my summer- at least when I am not freaking out about my career. I have spent a lot of time with my kids and husband. We have been doing pretty well financially. I can't afford to buy anything I want but basically, the bills are paid and we have not been starving. We even managed a small vacation in Vegas. Things may be a little dicey until November but we are okay. I have been applying for jobs. I was very close to securing a very lucrative job that would have enabled me to work from home but after a very arduous application process, I was not chosen. This was very upsetting. I have since applied for for several jobs and had an interview for one. Things are really bad in the job marker. I remember interviewing candidates for positions at my last job and being struck by how people were applying for jobs they were clearly overqualified for but were nonetheless willing to take just to be able to work. Now I am in the same boat. Employers are becoming very demanding of applicants which is very difficult. For example, many companies are beginning to review credit reports. This seems illogical when you account for the fact that the longer people are our of work the less likely they will be able to keep up with their bills. I hope I sewed good seeds in how I handled candidates so hopefully I will reap some rewards.

My dilemma is that I need to move to the next level in order to command they type of job I want. This means completing my dissertation. I contacted a dissertation coach-kind of like a life coach for the dissertation process. Their rates aren't bad but given that I don't have an income, I am a little concerned. I am most concerned with paying this money and God forbid not finishing. Can you tell that I have major issues regarding this issue and that I have ceased to become my normal aggressive self when it comes to my dissertation. I feel like I obviously need help with this process yet I find myself hesitant to proceed. Also, during my free consultation with the consultant she suggested that I not start over completely but rather address the concerns in my current dissertation project. This is probably the best advice but it heightens my anxiety since I have so many negative feelings associated with this project. So, clearly I have a lot to figure out. I do want to try writing about something for two hours everyday to prove to myself that I can still pull it together to focus on a task and execute it before I start shelling out the money. Obviously, finishing my doctorate degree would significantly open up the job market for me.

I also need to learn Spanish. Now I have a lot of mixed feelings bout this. From an ethical issue it is much better to familiarize yourself as much as possible with a particular culture in order to effectively treat members of this culture. However, as an American citizen I am not that crazy about the fact that my ability to get a job is tied to my ability to speak a foreign language. I would estimate that at least 30-40% of the jobs in social services require bilingual skills. This coupled with the immigration debate coming from the state legislature in Arizona is another whole level of stress that I am resisting the urge to tackle right now.

I think I will also investigate an online Spanish and perhaps substance abuse program to furhter enhance my skill set.

Obviously, I need much prayer for direction, guidance, inspiration, and comfort. Until next time.

Still Standing

2010-05-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

So i resisted the urge to take a 'mental healthm day and went into work today. Things have been really rough w/ my job. Basically, I have been marginalized into a pointless position whe i basically have nothing to do all day. Worse everyone around me is aware of my current status. ~ was never given an explanation for this technical demotion. Now my pay was not reduced, but I was placed on a contract that terminates at the end of June. The person who was brought in to assume my role has been given carte blanche to monopolize all of the responsibilities even though trying to do theses tasks is counterproductive. To make matters worse my former colleague who is now my boss has not stepped in to reorganize tasks. She has allowed herself to be intimidated by this new person. Now in her defense , her boss, is closely aligned with then new person and has made it quite clear that she is more interested in supporting all of her ideas. So basically, my former friend/new boss probably would not be successful in trying to get a handle on this mess. But it is still her job and I am suffering from a lack of clarity and structure. There has been no official documentation of and deficient work on my part. Neither is there any unofficial documents floating around. The most upsetting part of this whole ideal is the feeling that my presence, contribution, and very existence is being ignored. I have to admit I have never had an experience like this and it is driving me insane. I am normally a very proactive, kick butt types of person. Thus,sitting idly by while this happens is very foreign to my existence. I have applied for other jobs but the job market is crazy right now and I don't have any other firm offers. So, I am a little hesitant to upset the rotten apple cart. I am being paid more money than the other staff to basically do nothing. This however, is little comfort. I want to quit but I cannot afford to. I want to demand that they define a specific role for me that is commiserate with my experince and skill set.

This is obviously a season of angst for me. I am trying to stay in the moment and learn whatever little lessons this trial is supposed to teach me while desperately seeking out a way to resolve this situation so I can move on but I am at a loss for how to proceed. This is probably a definite sign that I need to finish my dissertation but honestly I don't even know how to proceed with that.

Well, if nothing else, maybe I can get more blogging done.

What Affects Your Mood

2010-03-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Just to update you, I am in the process of looking for a new job. I am still presently employed but my current contract ends in June and I don't have a guarantee of being placed on a longer contract. I am ready to go although I do have some misgivings. I lover helping people change their lives but I do not like all the unnecessary stress that my current position entails. I am a team player but when too many people have control over what you can and cannot do and those people do not always take the time to fully understand circumstances impacting your job but still instill changes, demands, and/or criticism that oftentimes does not make sense, it is time to go. I had hoped to have completed some other goals that would have made my job search much less stressful but that did not happen so I have to jump into the foray not as prepared as I would have hoped. I have a couple of job leads but this is truly the worst time to be seeking new employment.

I have noticed something a little disturbing about myself. When I research job leads and I find one that I like I start to feel as if I already have the job and I can actually sense a dramatic upswing in my mood. I will suddenly find myself whistling, or smiling, and I will have to check myself to remember that I don't actually have the job yet. I would like to think that this is part of the whole positive visualization that people talk about. That sounds a lot better then thinking that I am actually a little crazy. I especially feel this way when the potential salary is higher. I start thinking of how I will use the extra money. On the other hand I feel very deflated, depressed, and fearful when the job does not pan out. Again this may be normal but the extreme impact this has on my mood is a little disconcerting.

I have not yet checked the ads for this week but I am hoping that I will see some potential prospects. I will force myself to prepare a couple of resumes and at a minimum send out at least three. I also need to research a few potential certifications that might help improve my resume. Of course I still am uncertain how to proceed with the one thing that would really help me-my dissertation. Just typing that freaks me out and I feel the need to quickly distract myself. Oh look, my kids are playing 'Little Big Planet.' It's so pretty....

I'm back , my mind just took a convenient detour. I am also planning to log on to Weight Watchers this week. Yet another long term goal. Wish me luck.

Sunday Night Pause

2010-03-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a great weekend. Worked from home Friday and had to handle only a few crises. Saturday I hosted a prayer breakfast at my home. This was great. I rely on these monthly meetings and a vital source of support. I get to discuss issues with a few like minded women and then we pray that God would give us the strength to get through the next month. We also pray for other people with whom we have come into contact. Prayer is a really great coping mechanism for me. It settles my mind and reminds me that I don't have to handle this thing called life all by myself. Rather, I have a Father who wants to help, is willing to help, and who does help me. Often I just have to get over myself and go through the hard process of learning to trust him. This is hard for me. I spend far too many hours freaking out and stressing over issues that I don't know how to deal with instead of allowing prayer to settle my spirit and the fresh perspective of my problems that always results from this calmed spirit.

I made quiche for the first time for the breakfast. It rocked. I was so worried that it would not turn out great but it did. People were raving and packing massive to-go bags. My kids acted like they had died and gone to heaven. I stress about cooking and entertaining but I actually love it.

Sunday was church and dinner @ my brothers. My nephew turns 9 tomorrow and we did out traditional dinner, cake, present thing. Monday will happen tomorrow whether I like it or not. Fortunately, I am taking a sick day to take my 11 y/o to a few doctor's appointments. I don' actually have to return to my office until Thursday. I am trying to gain some peace from my little hiatus.

Tomorrow I know the doctor is going to ask me about giving my daughter Gardasil(sp?). I've gotten very different feedback from folk re: this issue. In short, I think I will decline. I don't think it has been around long enough to be trusted. Also, I'm not so sure that I am okay with inoculating my daughter against sexually transmitted diseases at her age. I want to sit with this decision a lot longer and really decide how I feel. I do want my daughter to remain a virgin until marriage. I know she can refrain from being sexually active until marriage or at least adulthood. I do plan to maintain an open, honest communication with her about everything and to impress upon her our values. I also plan to point out not only the spiritual reasons for abstaining but also the medical/physical reasons. Having sex at a young age is quite frankly, stupid. You will probably catch an STD if not AIDS. You will probably have to deal with a pregnancy. You will probably go through unnecessary emotional drama. You will more than likely continue to remain sexual and consequently have numerous sexual partners thus increasing the chances of all the above. You are very unlikely to protect yourself adequately by using a condom. Any hormonal boy you sleep with will also be unlikely to use condoms properly given that most of them will have difficulty bathing properly and consistently. Abstinence avoids all these pitfalls and enables you to marshal the strength to deal with all the other crap that maturing to adulthood will entail.

So my daughter will listen as I refuse the innoculation and she and I will talk about all the relevant issues over lunch and while getting a good pedicure. I love hearing her opinions and thoughts about these things. Even at 11, I am very impressed by this kid.

Typical Day in Nonprofit Community Mental Health

2010-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

So, I received three frantic calls during my drive in to work. I couldn't answer them because my blue tooth was at home uncharged. I had already received a $160 ticket for conducting pressing work business on a cell phone while driving right after the initiating of the new cell phone/texting while driving laws. Anyway, I continue driving trying to avoid thinking about who might have called, whether or not there was yet another crisis brewing, had another client decided to run away, or better yet was there some other bureaucratic nonsense that I needed to handle right away. Thank God for Steve Harvey on the radio. Listening to him and Mo'Nique do their thing was allowing me some relief. But alas, to soon, I arrive at my destination. I first have to circle the block and darn near stalk people to find a parking space. Sure enough, as soon as I park and exit the car, my cell phone rings. Crap!!! Now I don't have any excuse to not respond.
"Hello"
"Does tne new clients have any meds I need to get when I pick her up from the jail?'
"What client? Who is this?"

And we are off to the races. I semi-manage a non profit, mental health program for re-entry women and children who are dealing with domestic violence, mental health issues, and substance abuse. I say sem9manage because there was a recent new staffing plan that was implemented that has left me with a lot of responsibility and no definitive title or commiserate salary to even remotely compensate me for my time. Welcome to non-profit work.

By the time I get in the office everyone is busy working. I turn on my computer to check e-mails and have to make 7 or 8 seemingly life and death decisions before I can even read my first e-mail. The phone keeps ringing....
"Why the hell have I not got my paycheck yet?"
"Why did we call the other facility expecting that psychiatrist to actually follow up with a client they assessed. They were only doing us a favor. they were not expecting to actually have to provide a refill for the client's medication. Haven't we hooked her up with another psychiatrist?"

Hmmm!!, Let's see. Surely I should have a bunch of psychiatrists in my back pocket who are willing to see an uninsured, seriously mentally ill client, with a drug history. Further more perhaps you should have allowed me to follow through with our original plan to send her to the emergency psychiatric care which we have always used. but no. You insisted on intervening in a situation you had no intention of following through with just so you could feel like you were actually doing your job. Who cares that your unnecessary intervention has now made the situation worse and that you now have the gall to call me and inquire why I have not puled a rabbit our of a hat to remedy these insane situation..

BREATHING....SLOW BREATHING.

This is the reality of middle management in a non-profit. It may perhaps be the same everywhere but I wonder if anyplace is this strange.

Did I mention that none of these decisions are supposed to officially be my responsibility? Why are people then calling me expecting me to be able to account for all this craziness.

There is of course little reminders of why I do what I do. Like the young client coming to my office letting me know that she knows her behavior has been inappropriate but that she is really trying to do better. I look at her and can honestly feel her sincerity. this client has a long road ahead of her. Very young w/ a felony, drug history, about to lose her child, and with emotional issues that result in out of control behavior periodically.

Oh my Goodness, it's only 10am. Why can't I live somewhere where they practice daily siestas. I definitely need one.

Prayer Meeting

2010-02-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile. I just retuned from a weekly prayer breakfast I attend with a couple of girlfriends. This time is so precious and inspiring to me. we typically share how God has blessed us over the past month and we then share prayer requests with each other. These requests can be related to our own personal lives but they also include prayers we have been given by others in our live who have requested prayer. In between praying and praising God, we have a great meal and we do a lot of talking,laughing, and connecting. I have come to depend on this time of sharing. It has been very helpful duing this difficult time in my life. Praying reminds me that I don't have to try to figure out life on my own. rather, I have a God who delights in blessing me and who gives me wisdom and power to make it through my daily life. Prayer time reminds me that I am God's child and that just like I care about my childre, God cares about me. It also causes me to reflect on the fact that I am not limited by my own human inadequacies and shortcomings. God is always with me and I can always rely on his strength and power. I may be small but he is really big. My shoulders can only take so much but his arms can hold me and all my problems just fine. I am so glad that I was blessed to come to know him as my personal saviour and that through this personal relationship with him I can pretty much do anything, handle anything, and be successful at anything as long as I do it all in his name.

Internet is Back

2009-11-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

I have just spent the last three weeks or so dealing with a major disruption in my internet and phone usage. All of this was called by my husband and my decision to reactivate our ADT security system. Now my brother who tends to have many opinions about almost everything in the universe cautioned us against getting ADT. He apparently works for a security company who cancelled their relationship with ADT service providers because of horrible customer service and ADT's refusal to keep their personnel properly trained. We unfortunately decided to pooh pooh his advice and took the leap with ADT. To back up a few weeks. Our decision to reactivate a security system was prompted by our house being broken into in broad day light. Needless, to say we were highly motivated to get a security system as soon as possible.

Well, we should have listened to dear old brother. Everything was fine in the process to get the system. We liked our salesman, the installer showed up on time, everything was beautiful until I called home after the installer left and could not get through. Their was absolutely no dial tone. Also that night, we were awakened by the sheriff knocking on our door at midnight because they had received a couple of 911calls from our home. AAAGH! Of course my husband and I were groggy and probably the police thought we had just been fighting because of how disheveled a person looks when awoken by insistent pounding on their front door. We assured the sheriffs that we were not having a domestic violence incidence and that we weren't currently holding anyone hostage and explained that we had just had a new security system installed that was obviously going haywire. The cops reluctantly left and we call ADT. They claimed they had no record of the call. My husband proceeded to request a service call. After a few missed appointments in which we rearranged our work schedules to be available and the frigging service people were no-shows, and after the people from ADT and the people from AT &T played pass the buck regarding the problems with the phone line, we finally decided to call it quits. Of course, getting the friggin' security system installed allowed us to experience the height of their customer service mojo because we have had no luck in getting a full refund. We have been passed around like a, well I won't go there but needless to say I am now researching the boss of our local ADT office so I can get some results.

Thankfully, AT&T came back out tonight and fixed our phone line so now I can have internet. Now I have been diligent and have collected some ides regarding posts and I hope to get to all of them. But first I had to vent my frustration.

I am curious and trying to figure out how to get more people to read this blog. My primary purpose in blogging is to prove I can stick to something but I admit I would like a little piece of this new blogging empire. Oh well, hope springs eternal.

A Rough Week

2009-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

This has been one of the more difficult weeks of my life as it relates to work. I basically encountered a situation where my boss is either showing signs of mental deterioration, or blatant dishonesty. She basically rescinded an accommodation that she had originally offered to me in response to an original request I had made. The kicker was that when she rescinded it she made it seem as if I had made an inappropriate request that she was uncomfortable with. More detail is probably in order. I had originally requested to reduce my time to 80% with a commiserate reduction in salary. I had also requested a raise that I had earned. So basically I wanted 80% of an increased salary. My boss countered by suggesting that I telecommute 20% time a the current salary. I basically have two bosses. At the time this counteroffer was made my boss indicated that she and my other boss had discussed it. I was uncomfortable with this situation because we currently have a new CEO who is a stickler for rules . My current boss is used to working out informal arrangements regarding job logistics (scheduling, etc) that aren't always reflected on paper. So I later told my boss that I would prefer to do everything appropriately and go through established channels. I approached her with this concern twice. Each time she deflected by saying the main office was not approving raises at this time and that it would be better just to work it out amongst ourselves. Fat forward to Tuesday. I met with the other boss and as we were discussing other staff positions she alluded to the salary savings which would have resulted from a 20% reduction in my salary. Thinking that she was privy to all the communication I had had with the other boss I explained the telecommuting options and the fact that no salary savings would result. She didn't appear to know what I was talking about and looked at me like I had to heads. Later that evening I sent her an email to clarify what I thought were just miscommunication. She then responded that she nor my other boss were aware of these suggested arrangements and asked that we meet the following day to discuss it. During this meeting my other boss professed ignorance of this counter offer and acted as if I had requested to be paid to pick up my children from school as opposed to staying in the office till 4pm. I was flummoxed. I of course retold the entire tale of how this counter offer came to even be on the table. My other boss denied she had mad this offer and stated that she would have never made a firm offer without consulting w/ boss # 2. I reminded her that she had told me she and boss #2 discussed it. She acted as if she had never had these conversations with me and that she was never aware of any firm resolutions.

Some additional facts bear mentioning. My boss #1 is over seventy and has been under a lot of stress due to the presence of the new savvy CEO who is constantly calling into question my boss's nontraditional management style. My boss #1 would never be considered an organized person under the best of circumstances. My boss # 1 never accepts culpability when she makes mistakes and instead tries to blame others.

Needless to say I was incensed. I unfortunately became very emotional which I regret. I had to go an facilitate another meeting right after this so I had to go to my office and try to rid my eyes of the redness. Later on they wanted to touch basis with me and try to work out a workable solution. I countered by restating my original request or a reduction in time to 80%. I further stated that I would stick with my current salary and that I didn't want any of their informal arrangements. I added that this would also mean they could not call me after hours to deal with crises. They were really bothered by this suggestion because they are dependent on me always being available to deal with problems.

I feel somewhat responsible because I have seen others harmed by my boss # 1's faulty business ethics but I unfortunately thought I was immune. This does further clarify the nee to finish my DISSERTATION so I can leave this current employment situation and have more lucrative options. Maybe this is God's way of making the frying pan very hot to prevent me from getting comfortable. I do know God is good and I have a lot to be thankful for. I will rely on all the support I get from my husband and my other fellow directors who also have to deal with this crap from our bosses.

Dissertation Update and other thoughts

2009-09-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, today is my 39th birthday. I can honestly say that this is the first time in about nine years that I have not dreaded this day because of my unfinished dissertation. I don't know if this just because of the small step I took last week to re-connect with my dissertation advisor or if my priorities are shifting but today I mostly focused on what I have to be thankful for. I have not done any of my to-do list except to pray but I still feel good about it. I did look up the contact information for my departmental chair so I plan to e-mail him to determine if the requirements for completing my doctoral degree have changed. I plan to compose this e-mail right after the kiddies go to bed. I did get a call from my advisor. I let the call go to voice mail. I will listen to it after I have composed the e-mail and before I send it. I am a little unhappy w/ the fact that he contacted me before I completed my to-do list but I am not allowing myself to focus on anything negative.

Today was the kids first day of school. I so enjoyed having the day off and being able to take them and pick them up. I did become acutely aware of how socially anxious my 7 y/o son is. He was overly chatty this morning and on the drive to school . I could tell he was trying to allay his anxiety. He has been a nail biter since he was a baby and he tends to chew on his nail beds. He made a comment that he was going to chew his fingers up. I feel kind of stupid that I never really undetstood the depth of his social anxiety. He and his sister are in the same class which I am not too happy about. His sister was definitely not happy about this. My son, CP, tends to have behavioral problems and other school challenges. My daughter, RP, is an overachiever who never gets in trouble and is usually the teacher's favorite. While waiting for class to began, RP went on a happy search for her old friends. CP followed her around like a clumsy puppy unsure of how to manage. It was painful to watch. I will have to figure out how to support him more. I will also have to deal with his behavior issues with an increased awareness of his anxiety. It is undoubtedly a major contributor.

So I treated myself to a major shoe shopping trip. For some reason , DSW gave me $100 in gift cards. They said it was because of my prior shoe purchases. Who am I to argue. Oh well, I really hope my hubby comes through with some acknowledgement of my b-day beyond the "happy b-day, hon' I got this morning. Right now he is watching the Steelers game. That is definitely not on my list of birthday treats.

Daily Musings

2009-09-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a while. We are at the end of summer and I am anxiously awaiting the first day of school for my kids. I just called my dissertation advisor and started the process of re-engaging in the dissertation process. For those of you who don't know I am what people refer to as an ABD. This means I killed myself to fulfill all requirements for a Ph.D. and then fizzled out at my dissertation defense. So, it has been some years since this fizzling and I haven't managed to fully re-engage in the process. But today I squashed all of the fear and anxiety that typically wells up when I deal with this issue and I actually called my advisor and talked about it. I developed a list of things to accomplish before I call him again. This list is not complicated nor is it made up of what any other person would consider significant events. But it is a start and that's all I can manage right about now. According to my list I have to : 1) call the head of my department at the graduate school and find out what parameters I have to abide by to even have a chance of completing this process, 2)look up my advisors current research to think about a new topic that fits, and then 3) I wrote the word 'Pray' four times because I am going to desperately need the help of my father to make it through this process.

Update

2009-06-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I am currently reflecting on the issue of death. Unless you are a hermit living under a rock you know that Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon died. Pitchman , Billy Mayes, also died suddenly. My father is in his home town to sit in vigil at his brother's bedside b/c he could very well pass away at any moment. I am currently going through some stress at work because a client died after leaving our facility. So basically death is on the brain. I am at a weird place. I of course take comfort in what my belief system promises as it relates to death- absent from the body present with the Lord. But I can't help but to just feel a strange sense of detachment about all this death. I have to admit despite my recent feelings about MJ-the whole paedophilia am I white/black/ or alien thing-I actually felt sad about his death. You cannot deny that he was one helluva performer. I can still remember him doing the Billy Jean thing at the Motown awards. His music is a work of art.
I think I am contemplating my own mortality. I am at that age where you have left the feelings of immortality and now realize that at some point life may go own without you. That is sobering. I know that one day my parents won't be there when I call. Worse I know one day my husband or I will depart this scene and one of us will have to go on without the other one.

I also wonder with all the insane posturing of the N. Koreans if America will once again have to deal with a major catastrophe like 911. I mean these people are scaring. We unfortunately have gotten used to Muslim wackos promising to wipe Israel off the face of the world but it is quite another for another super power to make this claim. This threat seems worse than the cold war because their don't appear to be any rules of engagement. It is like we are dealing with a situation where we cannot realistically make any valid predictions about how the leadership of this country will act. Those fantasies of sipping Mai Tai's off the Big Island don't seem so attractive all of a sudden.

I do however take comfort in the fact that God is sovereign and that he actually has everything in control. This keeps me from totally freaking out. However even though I do know how the final play will go I am a little anxious about the plays in the interim. Let's face it although I ultimately pray that I will always maintain my strong faith I don't ever really want anything bad to happen to me or my family. Our pastor preached about Joseph and how we can sometimes face unwarranted tribulation and that we may not always even understand the purpose of trials we may undergo but we have to yet commit ourselves to Christ and his purpose and stay faithful nonetheless. Although this is scary I am strengthened by acknowledging that if some difficult task is part of God's will than I am better off going through it then stepping our of his will to avoid the trial.

My prayer is not only that I remain faithful in hard times but that I also began to act upon my faith by evangelizing others.

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2009-04-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

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Dealing With Death

2009-03-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

How's that for a catchy title. Well, I just returned on Sunday from Ohio along with my husband. We went to funeralize his father who had passed away suddenly. The whole experience has been rather surreal. My hubby received the news on last Thursday while driving to pick up the kids. He called me in the car and just sobbed. Let me just say. These are not the best circumstances under which you want to be transversing the hell that is Los Angeles Traffic. Thankfully we both survived without creating another police chase video. I decided quickly to accomapny him b/c I was a little worried about how he would make out and also b/c I was very curious about how this whole thing would play out.

Well there was enough drama for a stage play but ultimately his father was laid to rest in a respectful fashion and his remains are in the veterans cemetary which is a propper acknowledgement of his service to his country.

My husbands biggest concern was and continues to be whether or not his father had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ before he died. Now my father-in-law was raised in the church, had many family members including my husband who were ministers, and certainly engaged in many of the rituals associated with Christianity. Whether or not he had actually established a personal relationship w/ Jesus by repenting of his sins and asking Jesus to come into his heart, however, is somewhat of a mystery. My father in law was a very intelligent man who was deeply troubled. Some of his issues could be traced back to the turbulent sixties, or to the vietnam war, or to the anger that is sometimes associated with being a thinking black man. But he never seemed to be at peace. He was also a self proclaimed seeker who was constantly in search of the answer. He was one of those indiviuals who was well read and well versed on a vast multitude of subjects. He also had read everyone of the thousands of books he owned. But I am not so sure that in his quest for knowledge he was able to accept the simplicity of the gospel.

His life does make me reflect on the necessity of pursuing simple truth. It is tue that when all is said and done and one finds himself laying in a coffin the only thing that really matters is what you have done about Jesus. If you have accpeted him then everything is good irregardless of how the wolrd may value your life. If you have not accepted him than no good you have done can make up for the ultimate bad you have accomplished by rejecting Christ. Christianity is not opposed to the pursuit of knowledge but pursuing knowledge for knowledge's sake can make you miss God. I have to remind myself of this because sometimes I can get caught up in what I know, or what I think I understand. I have even become so arrogant as to think that my ability to understand or to not understand something impacts reality.

Well his father is gone and one day we two will be gone. This is depressing. But then I think that Jesus is here, has always been here, and will always be and that provides me with an unbelievable amount of hope. I often fall very short of what God wants me to do or be but I am so relieved to know that my ultimate source of joy is to fulfill His purpose for my life and then to go and spend eternity with Him. It is so not on me to figure out life. I just have to spend my time trying to figure out as much as I can about Him. I am not even alone in this endeavor as He helps me get to know Him and helps me become more and more like Him.

My f-i-l' death did also make me more aware of both my own mortality and that of my parents. I am so not ready to deal with the idea of losing my mom or my dad. I am also wondering if my hubby has hit his breaking point. He lost his grandmother who raised him and his father. His relationship with his mother is almost nonexistant and she apparently has some type of serious illness which she will not disclose. He mentioned going out on stress and I had to bridle my tongue b/c of course the bad economy makes this a terrifying thought.

On top of all this my 10 y/o's doctor wants to do an MRI on her heart. The doctor keeps insisting that nothing is wrong but this is the third expensive test she has requested. Granted my 10 y/o is not having any symptoms of anything but the doctor is concerned about some possible artifacts in her heart. If you can't tell I am a little overwhelmed.

I know that God is in control. I don't mean this in some superchristian cliquey way. I mean I am so glad he is in control b/c I am almost at my wits end and if it were all on me I would have lost my mind a long time ago. So the fact that I can still function, laugh, experience joy, love my family, and feel optimistic means that God is totally sustaining me. I fear my family's mortality but I know of a certainty that they belong to God and that he is able to keep their bodies whole and if not he will empower me to deal with whatever comes my way.

Keep praying for me.

Catch Up

2009-02-24T15:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened including the inauguration. I watched the inauguration with an interesting complex array of feelings. I was very concerned as a moderate conservative about what this presidency would mean in terms of policies and perspectives. While I don't think Obama's prsidency necessarily heralds the apocalypse, it definitely can have an impact on issues I care deeply about. I also watched the inauguration as an African American female and I could not help but be rendered speechless by the surreal experience of seeing an African American family installed in the white house. Of course what can you say about Sascha and Malina. Given that they are similiar in age to my own two 'African Princesses", I am deeply affected by all that they represent. Then there is Michelle. Let the record show that this is one bad 'sistah'.

Since the inaguration I have been alarmed that one of the first decisions of his presidency extended the possibility of abortion masquerading as women's health around the globe. I am astounded at the stimulus bill that my grandchildren will have to pay for and the fact that it appears to be a longitudinal funding of a wide plethora of liberal agendas that will do little if any to increase my standard of living or improve the ability of my husband and myself to provide for our family.

Since the inaguration I have also been pleased as punch by the keen inteligence and polished style of the Obama's. I have enjoyed watching them combine their 'blackness' with their political acumen. I have read a large part of Obama's story about his development and felt such a strong sense of kinship while still being amazed at the turbulent process of his identity development. I have shed tears at the Black History Month celebrations I have attended which chronicled our journey from Africa to the White House with pitstops in the Jim Crow South along the way.

As you can tell , this time has been an emotional upheaval that has caused me to consider and reconsider who I am and what I believe on every level. My faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, persists as does my reliance on the Word of God as a manaual for how to live my life. I now am involved in studying to see what this present time means in light of Biblical prophesy. Of course there are those who will now groan and wonder :Why does everything have to be about the Bible". To which I respond everything is about the bible, we just have to accept the challenge to discover what they Bible says about our current life situations. Some, including memebers of my own family, have alluded to Obama's presidency as the answer to prayers. Well the children of Israel got Saul for their king after begging God for him but it did not turn out to be the best thing for them.

So I don't offer a resolution to this issue but I do invite you to keep exploring along with me.

Obama Who

2008-12-25T10:21:00.000-08:00

This was written in response to a post on blogher.com regarding the Rick Warren/Obama controversy.

What exactly is it that we are hoping for? I am stunned at the number of people who believe that in order to come together as a people we have to somehow give up who we are as individuals. Rick Warren is a Christian whose beliefs, philosphies, perspectives, opinions, and platforms are fully informed by the Bible. He believes the Word of God is inerrant, immutable, and that it serves as a manual for how Christians schould live their lives. His subsequent views on the submissiveness of women, homosexuality, and abortion flow from the Bible. Now I know stating this is blasphemous to some individuals who either reject the Bible or who opt to use it as an a la carte menu where you can choose what you like and leave the rest. His ideas don't orignially come from the Southern Baptist. They stem from the Wrod of God upon which the Southern Baptist have sought to develop their doctrines. The question is can members and supporters of the LGBT community, abortion rights advocates, and liberal pundits look beyond their issues with the Bible and its advocates and embrace Rick Warren for who he is. Isn't that true tolerance?
I find the whole Rick Warren/Obama controversy interesting b/c I am trying to figure out who exactly Obama is. He purports to be a Christian but many of his statements tend toward the more post modern type of Christianity where interpretation and application of scripture takes a backseat to his social causes (i.e. instead of accepting the actual statements regarding homosexuality you fashion a more palatable faith system that allows you not to offend political correctness). So I was shocked to learn he had asked Rick Warren to participate in the inauguration. Now for the most part I really respect Rick Warren. I think he has a special gift of remaining relevant to today's culture while not compromising his faith. So I am left wondering. Who Is Obama? Is he secretly a bible believing Christian who is attempting to secure a platform by catering to the left. Or is he more of a leftist liberal who is patronizing the conservative Right. Who Knows. If nothing else I think Obama is an expert in making both sides pay attention.

To Do Or Not To Do

2008-12-20T08:29:00.000-08:00

While shopping for my kids this week, I did feel odd being able to give them a lot of what they wanted given our current economic times. Ifound myself continuously justifying my expenditures by saying,"My kids work really hard all year", "They deserve this", "I'm not spoiling them", "I'm actually a pretty demanding parent so they deserve some fun", etc. Each year I host a Christmas Eve celebration where in addition to reading the Christmas story from scripture we exchangegifts. I've been trying to figure out how to do this w/o embarassing my friends or family who are struggling. We decided to exchange meaningful, handmade, nonmonetary gifts during the celbration and to pass out our gifts to each other apart from this gathering. I am a little torn because the kids really look forward to the big gift exchange but as a kid who went through hard times I know what it is like to not have a bounty under the tree. Especially b/c we spend a lot of time empahsizing the real reason for the season and my kids are very aware and sensitive to the needs of others. Oh well, I've got a couple of days to figure it out.

Jennifer Hudson Tragedy

2008-10-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

I spent the last couple of days hoping against hope that the Jennifer Hudson story would not develop into a tragedy beyond comprehension. Like a lot o you I could not stop constantly checking for updates to the story while becoming increasingly despondent as the story emerged, This was particularly poignant for me as a manger of domestic violence programs for a non=profit that specializes in addressing the specific needs of women. Lately myself and my colleagues have been involved in a never ending discussion of how to provide support for dv victims while still dealing with some of the accompanying casualties that sometimes present themselves. Specifically the children and family of these women and the impact of this tragedy on them. While I don't ever and we strongly advocate that others don't blame the victim for the violence she may be experiencing. It is often true that while they are in the process of dealing with their abuser some of their decisions do endanger their children and loved ones. Now sure it is not her fault that some wacko has a need to exert such control over her that he is often willing to hurt those she loves to hurt her. But it is a fact that she is often the one who although unwittingly, invites this abuser into the lives of those who he subsequently harms. Also, while she is attempting to gain the strength to separate, her family often rushes into protect her and thus become further embroiled in a fatal relationship dance that often has her returning over and over to the man her family has sometimes risked life and limb to help her separate from.
I know , I know. It is not her fault. Trust me I know this and it is that awareness that propels me to walk alongside women who are simply trying to regain their power. But I do cringe when she talks about her kid cowering in the door way while she is abused. Or the kid who has begun to prosper in shelter treatment withdrawing into a shell as they recognize that mommy is going back. Who is to blame for them. Or more importantly who is responsible for protecting them.
I know from personal experience that the end result of the fatal dance of dv is tragedy not only for the women but also death and destruction for her family. I also know that as you try to recover after he hurts or kills the innocent in his effort to hurt her it is hard not to look at her and scream, 'Why the hell did you not leave before this happened.'
I don't know if the Jenifer tragedy will emerge as an actual domestic violence tragedy, but I know it only graphically exacerbates the conflict that I feel as I strive to support her while trying to figure out how to help the other innocent bystanders.

Election Fatigue

2008-10-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am so hoping that we could magically transport ourselves to 9 or 10 pm Nov 4, 2008 and be done with the presidential election and all the controversial propositions that are on the ballot. This has truly gone on for too long. As an independent, I am simply worn out by having to weigh the various positions of each candidate. Every time I come to a decision some late breaking news flash will cause me to have to reconsider my decision in light of the newest information. While I am certainly happy that we have access to so much information to equip us to make a more informed decision there comes a time when a lot more transforms into too much. Information overload. I am a frequent utilizer of the Internet but I am certainly not obsessed or consumed as others are. But even I sometimes feel tethered to the web and unable to avoid reading every newsworthy or often newsworthiless tidbit about the candidates. Truly this is perhaps the most exciting election in history. It is also the most historically significant election given Barack and Sarah Palin. But I can't help feeling that the country has never been more divided, the parties have never been more antagonistic , and the lines in the sand have never been more clearly drawn than now. While this is probably going to fuel the biggest voter turnout in history it is also a little scary. I often used to watch news coverage of domestic strife in other countries where members of opposing political parties or religious affiliations would become so opposed to each other's point of view and so rabidly committed to their own perspective that they would resort to violence directed toward the other side. I would snicker, chuckle and think what's wrong with those people. We here in American would never stoop so low. Well now I'm not so sure. We have heard snippets of attacks against McCain supporters and Obama supporters. Most of these have been refuted. But I don't know about you but the mere suggestion of such an occurrence is alarming. I can't help but to wonder where is this all headed.

As an independent I pride myself on being able to be objective about both sides. Now I do have very strong views on most of the pressing issues such as the economy, gay marriage, role of government, health care, abortion, education, etc. But, I also can understand people who have opposing views. I don't agree with them but neither do I think holding a particular view makes them worthy of my scorn and derision.

Living in Southern California and working in the mental health field, I have to admit that the majority of my observations regarding how radically committed people are to their views are of liberal democrats. I do however listen to Conservative radio and I can honestly say that there is no lack of myopic thinking on their part either. I often want to scream, 'Can't we all just get along?'

Let me just say I have vacillated between McCain and Obama. I tend toward McCain regarding a lot of issues but I can't help but be impressed with Barack and Michelle. I am a little iffy toward Biden, sometimes I don't think he remembers what side he is on. What can I say about Sarah Palin. I am not as horrified by her as some and I have to express a little appreciation for her Moxy. Girlfriend is certainly no wall flower. But I actually see a lot of similarities between she , Michelle, and Biden's wife-women who have to simultaneously dance to the rhythm of several drums while trying to keep all the spinning plates from falling.

For me I guess ultimately my faith is in my heavenly Father and I know that irregardless of who's in office ultimately 'All things will work together for Good'. This of course doesn't not mean I stick my head in the sand. I can honestly say however, it does keep me a little grounded and gives me a stabilizing sense of peace as I continue to negotiate this political labyrinth we are in.

So I'm going to continue reviewing my pros and cons regarding each candidate and all the propositions and fulfill my civic duty to make an informed decision. But I can't help but to keep fantasising about going to bed on Nov 4th and trusting God with the details.

Staying Foccussed

2008-08-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have such a hard time staying focused. There are always things that I seem to be able to do without being distracted. I simply hunker down and 'get her done'. However, there are other things that just seem to be beyond my abilities. As a child I would often skimp on things and just get by. Without boasting I think I was a petty smart kid so for the most part I was able to get away with this. For example, I just thought it would take too much time to really remember which Way was right or left. I knew my heart was on the left so I just planned to always check for my heart if needed o figure out directions. Now obviously this did not pose serious problems for me but I Can certainly remember times when I had to covertly feel for my heart to know right from left and I was conscious of not letting other people know. I used to also sing in a choir. Instead of concentrating to be able to detect and sing the right note I would just listen to my neighbor and sing what they were singing. Now, even though I have a pretty good singing voice I often have great difficulty figuring out the right note and can sound one deaf.

I didn;t worry too much about this b/c for he most part it didin't bother me. There has been one major issue that I hve not been able to muster the wherewithal to accomplish and I wonder if this is due to my well hidden slackerness. Also, as I get older I find it harder and harder to ot worry about issues and just 'get her done' when I need to. More and more things tend to not get done. Like this blog. This is my seond post for the month although I want to blog everyday for the sheer joy of putting words on papaer on a dialy basis.

Oh well hope springs eternal(how's that for blowing things off). HELP!!!!!!

When I Get Back some butt will be kicked!!!!!

2008-08-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

I overheard this little interesting tidbit spewed from the mouth of my six y/o. She and her five y/o brother were engaged in their inexhaustable game of school in which they have assigned roles and voices to all of their stuffed animals. It's hilarious listening to them and also a little scary. Often my husband and I ask ourselves, :Where do they get this stuff from?'. If they have said anything even remotely disturbing I quickly attribute it to my husband. It is obvious that even when your kids are sheltered and you think you have protected them from most negative influences they will often time display behavior or make statements that are completely foreign to you. I know this is obvious but they are their own persons who will eventually develop into a unique individual. That does not mean we don't have an influence. In fact we often have the biggest influence. But they will be influenced by things, people, and experiences that you have little control over.

In a way I am very pleased that my middle child is exhibiting an ability to assert herself and to kick butt if the need arrives. She can be very compliant and is very dependent on pleasing people like me and her teachers. She does not however seem like she will be a follower when it comes to her peers. She will often try to emulate her older sister but if it comes down to it she has no problem marching to the beat of her own drum even if she has to march alone.

I do wonder about how this assertiveness will ever be limited. I know for myself, I am very assertive but I can and do encounter those moments when I feel like I have lost my voice. I wonder who and in what situations will she limit her voice. I hope it is not about things that really matter.

Can I go to the Laundromat

2008-08-10T20:01:00.001-07:00

Mom, "Can I go to the laundromat w/ .....".

This question was posed to me by my oldest on Friday evening. She was pleading with me and my husband to allow her to go to the laundromat w/ her friend. She thought it would be so cool. As I was looking at her I had to just chuckle at the irony of life. Growing up my family frequently experienced long stretches of time when we did not have a working washer/dryer. This required Saturday trips to the laundromat. Now although I often found this enjoyable b/c my mom would let me wander around the shopping center where the laundromat was located while she washed. I only had to show up to help fold. It was extremely inconvenient. I used to wander what it would be like to be in a family who were financially stable enough to always have a functioning washer/dryer. I was also a little embarassed about having to go to the laundromat when the majority of my friends didn't have this issue. So here I am comfortably enjoying the convenience of always having a functioning washer and happy that my kids don;t know the stress of having to drag tons of clothes to the laundromat every Saturday and my daughter is begging for the opportunity to go the the laundromat!!!.

This once again highlights the fact that the things we focus on as being indicative of being comfortable. Or the things that we promise ourselves we will do differently for our children in our quest to give them a better life than we had often times turn out to be pretty insignificant.

My husband and I looked at each other and had to share a chuckle b/c he too was familiar w the 'horor' of treking through the neighborhood to go washing while your friends were hanging out. I am far from perfect but I do try to periodically check my neurotic need to give my kids everything I never had. I try to remember that my experiences made me into the person I am today and if I had not gone through a couple of difficult periods I would not have learned how to both cope w/ life and to be grateful for the things God has blessed me with.

We didn't let her go but only b/c we weren't sure of how she would be supervised. We also had already planned to watch the Olympics opening ceremony w/ the family. Was that awesome or what. I was totally impressed w/ the ceremony. I tried real hard not to think of all the negative aspects of life in China. I could not stop myself from thinking that if any of the performers made a mistake would they be punished in some horrible fashion. Oh well, until next time.

My Christian Faith

2008-04-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

Well, today we made it to church after doing quite a bit of housework. I was surprised we pulled it together and everybody was prepared to go in enough time to actually make it. Pastor Steve was not there but a guy who specializes in apologetics was there. He gave a very clear presentation on why Christians should respond to questions others have about the Word of God and how we should be adequately prepared to do so. I often struggle with this. Although I have been blessed to have sat under wonderful teaching throughout my Christian life and even though I myself have taught bible studies I don't feel that I always do a good job of defending the scriptures. I sometimes shy away almost as if I think I am not able to adequately defend my faith. Even with this blog I struggle with whether this should be a ministry tool or just a collection of my musings. I figure it will be a little of both. I am definitely a Christian in that I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that we were all born in sin as a direct result of Adam/Eve fallen in the Garden of Eden. As such the only way we could be reconciled to our original relationship with God our Father was through the sacrifice Jesus Christ made at Calvary in being crucified, dying, and rising again on the Third day. It was through his death and resurrection that I now have access to the Father. This death was a gift my saviour offered to me and I only had to accept it, repent of my sins, and believe in him as my saviour. As a result I can directly communicate with God and can have the confidence that my sins are forgiven and that when I die I will go to Heaven and live with my savior for ever...Within this life I can come to know my father personally by reading the bible and praying. It is through his word that I can come to know him more and to understand how to live my life in a way that is pleasing to him.

For me the Word of God provides the most useful heuristic for how to live my life and how to understand reality. It is not a stale antique book that is not relevant to modern times. Rather it is a living word that speaks directly to my life today and offers wisdom for how to live my daily life. I am not as disciplined as I can be but I read the Word of God and I listen to ministers who teach the Word of God on an almost daily basis.

As I continue to write this blog I will make it a point to try to reveal how I utilize the Word of God to live my life. The Word of God is basically how I retain my sanity in an insane world.

More importantly I don't think the Bible and my faith is just true for me because I choose to believe it. I believe it is the Truth. My challenge is to communicate this to a world and in a time when this assumption of Truth is not popular.

Whew! I pray that as you read if you choose to read that my life can be a living testimony of my faith. I'm sure if you have read my blogs you can sense that I am far from perfect. ?Well that's the beauty of Christianity it does not demand perfection it just demands that you strive for perfection by learning to rely less and less on your own power- but by learning to depend totally and completely on him

Responsibility

2008-04-20T22:29:00.001-07:00

I am really struggling. I am supposed to be helping a group of folk from my highschool days plan our high school reuinion. We all decided to combine three graduating classess to shore up participation. I attended one meeting where only a few of us (only 3) showed up to try to get this thing going. I volunteered to do a few things to move it ahead one of which was to have my husband assist me in getting our registration forms online so folks could send their information in. I have yet to complete this task. I sometimes do things like this. Most of the time I am very responsible and pride myself on being a woman who gets things done. Sometimes, however, I'll come up against a committment I've made and I falter. Now sure I have good reason. I work full time, have three kids , a husband, and a dog, and sometimes I have so many plates spinning I'm surprised all of thiem don't come crashing down around me. But it really bugs me that I do this and in some weird way its like my own pathetic type of rebellion. Now I do have one major career thing that I have procratinated about for years that shall remain nameless. But why in the hell can't I just get this one darn registration form done. AAAGH!

Well I'm going to put it on my list and hopefully I can focus on it tomorrow at work. My fantasy is that I will be able to go to my office , close the door and actually get everything on my to do list done without having to deal with too many crisises tomorrow. Well wish me luck. I also wish I could committ to writing on this Blog every day. I wish I could also be faithful to WeightWatchers Online instead of giving them my money every month and not even logging on. Am I the only screw up out there. Oh well I've learned to give myself a break so I'm going to sign off before I have a true anxiety attack (just kidding). I do thank God that I can lean on his perfection rather than having to be perfect myself. I thank God that even when I feel down , he not only loves me but he is working on my behalf to grow me into who he would have me to be. I don't know if you rely on God like I do but I can honestly tell you that he is the only source of whatever sanity I have.

And the beat goes on.......

2008-03-09T18:48:00.000-07:00

Nothing special today. The clock's sprang forward so of course I'm trying to figure out how to get the kiddos to understand that they are going to bed in an hour even though it will probably still be sunny. Fortunately a neighboring kid came by and they were able to play outside for an extended period of time. I worry about how different their lives are from when I was a kid. I would spend hours outside hanging out with may friends and making up all types of creative games. My kids don't have a lot of neighbors to play with primarily because of their schedule and and mostly because of the times we live in. I just can't let them run around care free. As aparent you have to be so careful and I admit sometimes paranoid. I think they pay the price. I gained a lof of independence and memories from my carefree days. Their opportunities to be carefree have to be scheduled via playdates which I am horrible at facilitating. I;m hoping when we move we can move to a more kid friendly place where they can have these opportunities.

I hung out with my girlfriends last night. We had a great time laughing sharing and commiserating about the state of the world. The hubby and I also had an aoooportunity to go out with another couple on Friday night on a real double date. So in short I had a fnatastic weekend.

MONDAY is however lurking closely by and I have to gear myself up for the week. I have to speak about our new program at some type of council meeting tomorrow and I am a little anxious to see how this will go. I think the council will be comprised of Domestic Violence advocates and I always find this group to be an interesting bunch. I of course am an avid supporter of women escaping those who thrive on their fear and subjugation but I also don't completely identify with this group of folk. It comes down to the chicken or the egg arguement. I have worked in substance abuse and mental health for years and have dealt with my fair share of trauamatized women. I just don't always agree that the dv that women experience always causes the other two as opposed to sometimes the DV being the result of the other two. This is a source of continual comflict with my colleagues and causes us to view the plight of our clients differently. Hopefully we can learn to agree to disagree and work collectivley to offer our women the help they need. I'll keep you posted.

Super Tuesday/Fat Tuesday

2008-02-05T10:55:00.000-08:00

I casted my vote today so I'm feeling good about myself. I am actually registered as an independent and therefore could not vote in the republican primary. After explaining to kid#1 the importance of voting I hd to represent and not waste my vote so I opted to vote for the Democratic nominee. In retrospect I should have voted for the candidate most likely to loose to embolden the electability fo the republican candidate. To be truthful I am not very excited about any of the republican front runners so I decided to just vote for the democrat who most appealed to me. That ws Barrack. I am very suspicious of the Clintons and fel that they are one of the more unsavory exmples of politicians. So I anxiously await to see exctly how history is going to be changed this evening.

I am working from home this morning. I have a meeting I am dreading this afternoon. Excuse any spelling erors I can' seem to get the spell check to work and I am working on my laptop w/ the dysfunctional keyboars so bare with e. Stevie Wonder just called to say that he loved me and to encourage me to vote for Obama. I guess I should feel better about my choice. At any rate I'll try to write more. I have issues with consistency and committment at this stage in my life so I will do the best that I can.

Why Did I Get Married

2007-10-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

A couple of girlfriends I've had since high school took me out to celebrate my birthday. We did lunch and treated ourselves to Tyler Perry's new movie. I must honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I haven't read any reviews of the movie so I don't know what everyone else is saying but I know that the movie actually made me laugh, cry, and laugh so hard that I started crying again. Relatively speaking the movie was well made, some of the acting was a little awkward (Janet Jackson and Malik Yorba's emotional epiphany) but for the most part it was great. Hat's off to Denise Boutte, her alcohol inspired tirades carried the movie and provided me with some much needed comic relief. I liken myself to Janet Jackson's character, the mental health professional who can't seem to stop dispensing unheeded, much needed free therapy to my family and friends. The movie gave a good overall perspective on the reality of marriage, faithful spouses, unfaithful spouses, committed husbands, abusive husbands, selfless wives, and selfish wives. Once thing is certain no marriage is perfect and it takes a great deal of work, commitment, and much prayer to make it work. I thank God for my fourteen years of wedded bliss. It has not been easy but I wouldn't trade my hubby for anything in this world. This movie and the ensuing conversation with my girlfriends reminded me that one should not take a good relationship for granted and should actively work to keep fire simmering. A word to the wise. I'm going to try to remember this more over the next few weeks and try not to focus exclusively on the little petty things that I am not getting and focus more on all the wonderful aspects of my husband that I do have. In the movie Janet's character, a psychologist, asked her girlfriends to evaluate their relationship by making a list of the pros and the cons. If the pros outweigh the cons then you should do whatever it takes to maintain your relationship. The pros of my marriage definitely outweigh the cons so I've got some work to do.

Unpredictable day

2007-10-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

Well today I managed to spend more time than I planned traveling the wonderful southern california freeways. Kid #2 had been sick for the last two days but was well enough or well enough to be convinced to return to school today. So I drop all three off, spend considerable time making sure kid#2's teach and the school nurse are clear on the need for her to use her inhaler st school today, head off to work, find parking without breaking any laws, make it into the office, see client , sit down to check my e-mail, then BAM!!!. I get a call from Hubby saying kid#1 is not feeling well and the school just called to say she needs to come home. Now I have to travel over an hour on the freeway in traffic to get from the kid's school to my office. So what does a caring mom do. I ask to speak to kid# 1 on the phone and ask "Are you sure you are really sick?"

-yes mom, my sinuses are acting up and I think I have a fever.
-How much of a fever?
-Mommm. I'm sick
-Sick enough to come home or can you hang out at school till the afternoon.
-I guess I can try (cue the violins)

Well the guilt lasted about two full minutes before I packed up my stuff and headed out to my perfect parking space and traipsed back to pick kid#1 up.

Could she have gotten sick before I spent her college fund driving back and forth to work. Anyway I get there and the school nurse sends for her. Soo as she gets there I feel her head and sure enough NO FEVER. She compensated by giving me the b00-boo face and saying "I feel realllly bad." I checked on kid# 2 while there and watched while she took her inhaler.
Kid#1 is downstairs now recuperating, watching Highschool Musical on the DVR
I'm upstairs trying to get my computer to sign on to the program I need to run a report for work and trying to figure out if technically I need to take sick time for the afternoon or if I'm technically still working.

I thin I'll go downstairs and put the lamp really close to kid #1 so she can really have a fver. Just kidding. Oh the joys of motherhood.

Oh well its probably God intervening form me making a big mistake today. I had scheduled a meeting with my colleagues. I was recently moved and am now working in thier programs. Now according to my boss I don't work for them and we are all on the same level. Of course no one knows what the h--- this means so the purpose of the meeting was to try to hash it out. Of course I don't know how anxious they are to integrate me into their kingdom and my frustration level is through the roof so today's meeting may not have turned out well. We are going to reschedule and I think I will lay out the agenda and possible integration plans via emial beforehand and CC my boss (their ultimate boss also) to circumvent any unwillingness on their part to play nicely.

I'll keep you updated.

Crazy Day

2007-10-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well I had made a committment to not complain or whine anymore after reading a recent article in Oprah. Well that's pretty much a bust. I think I would have actually made if I didn't have to actually talk to or see anybody during my whine fast. But, unfortunately, I have yet to close escrow on that isolated island and thus I had to try to avoid complaining while dealing with real life. Right now I am in a stagnant place careerwise and having a hard time making some much needed changes so while I am stagnating I tend to have a lot to complain about. For example today while sitting through yet another exhausting case conference (i am a mental health professional working for a non profit) I had to refrain from screaming when one of my colleagues asked if it was okay for her to bring her dog she wants to foster to our facility in the hopes that it would be therapeutic for the clients. Well we are cramped for space and we don't even have enough room to sit or do therapy but now we have to contemplate making room for Fido. Now granted I am no Michael Vick fan in that I have a healthy appreciation for dogs as outdoor pets but I don't want to share cramped office with a dog. Consciously employing relaxation techniques. Whew! I had to reign myself in I felt a total rampage coming on. At any rate I know my frustration with my job situation is simply reflective of my own frustration with myself but it's hard to maintain my sanity in the midst of such insanity. Oh well this is my third attempt to begin a Blog, I hope I can keep it up. See you next time.